During Saturday’s devastating invasion from Clemson unto FSU’s football stadium, the Jimbotron, perched high in the heavens on top of the debts of the student body, presented an unexpected broadcast. The stadium bore witness to never-before-seen footage of Benito Mussolini’s 1941 speech, in which he declares himself the only leader that can bring his country to victory against foreign powers. The already enraged crowd of Clemson and FSU fans were further agitated by the incident, with the subtitled speech sparking something in those members with hats of red and parties on the right.
“That foreign speaking dude really had me going when he hit me with ‘fascism should more appropriately be called corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power,” said William Smithers while sliding into the DM’s of Donald Trump Jr. after a meet-cute earlier during the day. “I wonder what his stock portfolio is looking like, I hope it’s looking better than his hair - BLAM-O! But seriously, I’m just glad my man Donald has some crispy looking hair. I wonder if he’s heard about this whole fascism thing.”
Despite the common knowledge that Benito Mussolini is for sure not a bestie of USA, the crowd of football watchers wasn’t so much confused as disgusted by the appearance of the infamous Italian fascist. Anti-Mussolini sentiments were at an all time high considering earlier in the day, Mussolini’s awkward son was spotted cornholing with a totally wasted Eppes statue.
“‘It's good to trust others but not to do so is much better,’ I’m not entirely sure what that all means, but deep in my soul I can somehow identify with those words,” said Jimbo Fisher as he counted all the coins in his big boy piggy bank in case he said some naughty words about the officials. “I mean, even though the rules are pretty clear, maybe this time I’ll get away with going against the rules by stating a revolt against the officials. The game is rigged. Will I accept the results if we lose? No. I, a lone coach for a struggling college team, will seize the rules of football, break all the rules of the ACC Convention and… oh, I’ve just been fined? God damn it!” He then proceeded to break open the piggy bank, which was actually shaped like a perched eagle clutching the fasces.
Back in 1942, a solemn Mussolini is pondering what the remnants of his political movement will be once he perishes into the ground just like his father before him. Sitting in an empty bar in the outskirts of Rome, he takes a drink from a glass filled with cheap scotch. Some of the liquor spilled on his shirt prompts him to look around, embarrassed, in case anyone saw him. After putting down the drink, he utters some select words to himself: “I just hope that my manners, my bruteness and my ideology aren’t adapted by some human cheetoh with little, tinsy-tiny, baby hands.”