As many students participated in the annual ritual of getting shitfaced in a $60 costume they will try to return on November 1, Junior Ed Little found himself wandering the dark unforgiving streets of autumnal Tallahassee. When his costume was deemed “inappropriate” and “not cool, man, it’s 2016” by his peers, the microbiology major, who was dressed as an E. Coli bacterium, was forced to leave a late October boozefest on Arkansas Street Saturday Night.
“I can’t believe these people!” Little commented, removing his large nylon suit, which was covered in sweat, vomit and Bud Light Platinum (it’s Halloween, treat yourself). “This wasn’t even supposed to be a joke. I’m a microbiology major, this is what I’m doing with my life. No one’s complaining about the vet dressed as a cat, the chem major dressed like a test tube or the Trump supporters dressed as giant babies!”
Little was forced out of the house party around 11:45 PM. After angrily kicking over the plastic skeletons dressed as Rudy Giuliani, pissing in the driveway and shotgunning a cucumber LaCroix, he stole a carton of eggs from a passing group of dastardly preteens and began chucking them at the house.
“I knew that guy was bad news as soon as he showed up,” reported party host Aaron Sweeney, picking up the boa feathers and Harley Quinn wigs strewn about his living room and wiping Tostito crumbs off of his ‘Bernie or Bust’ T-shirt. “He just made everyone so uncomfortable. I thought we were past that era in our history now, but apparently not. I mean, every day I see anti-bacterial and sanitizing products being used without thought, it’s a disgusting assault on Prokaryotic-Americans.” When asked how he responded to the egging of his house, Sweeney turned and pointed to the massive plate of scrambled eggs on his kitchen table and gave a sad thumbs up, as salmonella vomit slowly drizzled out of his mouth.
“I spent three weeks on this thing,” Little said. “I’m pissed off that everybody took it so offensively. Like half of my friends are bacteria, and they all thought it was funny.” After running out of eggs, Little angrily wandered Campus Circle, tripping over four passed-out freshman before finding his way to the College Republicans’ ‘Not PC Halloween’ party, where he figured he’d be accepted. He was welcomed in by the Don't Tread On Me snake and entered a home full of crusty white baguettes laughing at one Harambe costume so hard they began bleeding from their eyes and wheezing "haha Hillary for prison" as their bodies melted into one large lump of flesh and bone.