When shopping for Good Boy Clubs at FSU, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the wealth of options to choose from with cool Greek-style letters and fun Power Ranger names. One trio of transfer students from Reed College was so disheartened by the search, they decided to start a new fraternity of their own. Quinoa Miller, Trey Jackson and Rufus Tyler couldn’t find a suitable house near campus that would bring their organization respect. Luckily, Tyler had spent the summer building the tiniest frat house in the nation.
“This house is a magical place,” said president Quinoa Miller as he climbed down from the Queen-sized sleeping loft the brothers of Tau Nu Upsilon share. “Unlike all these Big House squares, we can high five each other from any point in our house which I think really enhances our energies. The chores don’t take long, but Trey’s always forgetting to do the dish. Also, we save a ton of our parents’ money because the house doesn’t have an AC unit, which was disheartening and sweaty at first but then we figured out that we can just pull an ice cube out and it will pretty much cool the whole place.”
TNY held their first party on Saturday where the brothers and their two guests took turns doing cute little keg stands on a miniature Heineken keg from Publix. “We would invite more people, but that might literally bring down the house.” explained Trey Jackson before hanging a Bob Marley flag in the window which could barely be seen from outside. “Quinoa and Rufus keep hooking up with the 2 girls we always invite over, so I typically end up sleeping alone on the ground.” Much like the lumber used to build their home, Jackson is often left with the short end of the stick.
After living together in a 300-square-foot gypsy wagon for an entire semester, tensions rose in the TNY house. “Quinoa, I can’t fit our collection of craft beer bottles on top of the minifridge because your kombucha takes up all the fucking shelf space.” complained Jackson. “Don’t make this about the shelf, guys. It’s as long as the universe needed it to be.” countered Tyler. Miller suddenly barked, “Shut up, Rufus, go to your room!” and Tyler retreated to the space under the ladder leading to the loft.
“How am I supposed to curl our weight with your pirate statue taking up all our gym space? Our house is on wheels like a goddamn Heely shoe, it rocks constantly. On the off chance I successfully trick a woman into sleeping with me, we can only do it alligator-style because we can’t sit up all the way.”
“Rufus tried his best to make the wheels stable, and we’re not moving Captain IPA. Suck my dick, Trey.”
“I WOULD IF I HAD THE ROOM TO!” shouted Jackson as he lunged the short distance from the loft to the narrow front door to punch Miller in the jaw. The fight made the house walls tumble and the roof to collapse, leaving them confused and exposed among the filth and lecherous decay on the Heritage Grove lawn where they’d parked their house. “Et tu, Trey?”