In a completely unexpected and not at all in line with their everyday values move, local sorority Delta Iota Kappa banned all people of color from their Great Gatsby-themed social last Thursday. Though the decision seemed to be rooted in bigotry and racism, the sorority is very adamant that that is not the case.
“The immigration quota was enacted in the ‘20s and our sorority has only ever had white people in it, so it makes sense that we can’t let black or Asian people in,” said Delta Iota Kappa president Tiffany White, while captioning her Instagram post with I was born in the wrong generation.’ Though she was talking about the Great Gatsby social, White’s statement could also be applied to Delta Iota Kappa’s rush week practices. “I just want to stay on theme and for Delta Iota Kappa to stay on brand.”
Despite the incredible dedication to theme authenticity and the fact that prohibition lasted well through the 1920s and into the ‘30s, alcohol was still served at the social. “We mixed vodka with toilet water to resemble moonshine and had a pregame in the Landis hall basement, which is basically a speakeasy,” said frat star and fifth-year senior who has been avoiding taking his multicultural/diversity credit Slash McRipstick. “It would’ve just been totally shitty if we didn’t have alcohol at the actual social. What if we had sobered up enough to realise that historical accuracy is a flimsy excuse for racial exclusion that we, as well as Hollywood, use to mask our racism?”
The party came to a screeching halt, however, when treasurer Daisy Slump noticed that the sorority’s bank account had gone into a deficit. The rapid decrease in funds was a result of buying stocks with irrational exuberance, as well as frivolous spending on scratchy feather boas.