College Republicans Excited for Relaxing Night of Fun, Friendship and Hate Speech
Florida State is a hotbed of millennial activism. In addition to the many hardworking students and faculty fighting to bring progress, social change and diversity to our campus, there is also a group of students clinging desperately to hate speech, oppression and social regression. That’s right, in a move sure to create a super open and respectful dialogue on campus, FSU College Republicans have booked M*l* Y**nn*p**l*s, a Neo-Nazi espouser of hate speech, to spew misleading and often completely false statistics which validate the darkest parts of their all-too-acted-upon ids. So you can be sure every C Rep (pronounced ‘creep’) worth his family’s weight in yacht(s) will be there tonight to have some fun, pal around and enable dehumanizing rhetoric on their wonderful campus. Let’s go, millennials!
“As proud College Repubelickers, we believe in diversity, but only when diverse members of our group also validate our horrible stereotypes and prejudices,” said FSU chapter President James Dillmore while spamming Pepe memes to his friends and family. “We don’t as a club endorse Milo but at the end of the day, he makes a very valid point. We have to start pushing back against what seems to be an overwhelmingly liberal ideology coming from our schools. One way to do that is to be a little extreme. After all, it only makes sense that if you’re slightly annoyed with having to eat pepperoni pizza at Suwannee every day, then the next best option is to bring some of your own literal shit to the dining hall to munch on.”
“Yeah, I’ll be at HCB protesting the event,” said person-with-a-shred-of-decency Sheila Sheperd as they walked along, not resenting the humanity of minorities. “You’d expect most students to oppose the de facto leader of an alternative right movement that openly believes in 'scientifically' proving certain races are inferior, but I guess when your organization’s official Twitter account constantly tweets about the Clinton body count conspiracy, then there’s just no hope for you.”
“Even though Milo created this college speaking tour just to give straight kids an opportunity to use a homophobic slur, I do think that his incendiary style will ultimately promote the acceptance of more conservative viewpoints,” continued College Repeepee Dillmore, as he began the booking process to get David Duke and the ghost of George Wallace to speak at FSU later in the fall. “After all, the Stanley Marshall statue in front of the building where he’ll be speaking says ‘Peaceful dissent in a university is a kind of love’ because ‘it means they’re willing to commit themselves to making it better, more just, more humane.’ And what better way to peacefully create a more humane atmosphere than invite a speaker who will probably discuss how lesbians make up hate crimes against men out of spite?”
Fourth year College Replebeian and fifth year senior Smed Budders was considering protesting the protests, but didn't want to miss the opportunity to hear Yiannopoulos speak. “Thrasher should shut down their protest!,” argued Budders. “Liberals are just too sheltered and it’s time they get some tough love so they can finally understand that Freedom of Speech isn’t for them, it’s for Me™ and my dad’s lawyers in order to protect us from the repercussions that should understandably follow the things I, a human gutter, say. Go ‘Noles.”
Image credit: Out Magazine / Jill Greenberg