Chipotle Employee Clearly Trying to Kill You With Their Mind

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Controversy stirred on Thursday as the police received multiple reports of a Chipotle employee practicing psychokinesis on customers. The employee, whose identity has not yet been revealed to the public, was seen trying to use violent mind powers when asked to perform the basic duties of his job.

“Every time I go in there, it feels like my life is on the line,” said Helen Jackson, a regular patron of the popular Mexican grill fast food chain. “When I asked for a double serving of rice, I could feel my muscles being knit together into a grotesque tapestry of flesh. My blood began to boil, and my life was only spared thanks to the manager asking me if I had the Chipotle app, which broke his concentration.” Jackson later said that despite the dangers, it’s still her favorite lunch spot.

While it’s unclear how exactly this individual came to develop these psychic powers, the threat he poses is very much real. Preliminary investigations by local law enforcement believe the employee may be rotating three-dimensional images of the customers in his mind before exploding them. “We advise you to eat literally anywhere else until we can figure this out,” said Lawrence Revell, Chief of Police. “Or at the very least, just be aware that trying to order a burrito might result in having your bones liquified by a being of rage incarnate.” At the time of writing this article, both Chipotle representatives and Psychics Anonymous have declined to comment.