Local Stoner Hospitalized by ‘Afghanistani Joe Rogan Stank Pussy Diamond Omega Kush’ Pre-Roll

TALLAHASSEE, FL- Local stoner Mike Anderson was hospitalized Tuesday after smoking an ‘Afghanistani Joe Rogan Stank Pussy Diamond Omega Kush’ pre-roll acquired from a smoke shop in Tallahassee. Anderson, 26, eyed a simple trip to Yodieland but was instead found hunched over a curb in Collegetown. 

“Shit had me blanched. I took a life-themed enema leading to my growth as the Virgin Mary, and ancient sands gave me visions of Blartopia. I found the Golden Fleece. I was a martyr, but only for a moment. I truly felt the tapestry of consciousness that intertwined us all. International governments permitting, I WILL sign a ceasefire. I WILL find a smallpox vaccine. Smoke shop shit always sends you to planes of greater consciousness. I felt reptilian and strange,” Michael told the Eggplant. Michael experienced what was considered to be the first ever ‘in-body’ experience, which is similar to an out-of-body experience, except one becomes incredibly hyper-focused on feeling trapped within their body. Michael took drastic action to escape his body during his trip. Michael also reported extreme ‘munchies’ where he was so hungry he ate a horse. 

The Eggplant reached out to the smoke shop for comment, to no avail. The line of pre-rolled joints is still available, with the new ‘Oprah Geopolitics Clit Destroyer Loud Pack’ set to be released sometime this month.