‘At Least Things Can’t Get Worse,’ Says Man About to Download Hinge

TALLAHASSEE – After months of utter social failure, Florida native Dirk Bagg decided that facing constant humiliation on dating apps would somehow be in his best interest. Though this decision has garnered harsh pushback from his parents, friends, co-workers, employers, and everyone else who’s ever talked to him, Bagg was seen downloading Hinge on his phone last Tuesday.

“Eh, you know. If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again, right?” he said when asked about this controversial decision. However, a deeper look into Bagg’s dating history reveals that he has never succeeded in any romantic capacity ever, so it’s very impressive that he’s still holding on to this philosophy.

Following the creation of Bagg’s dating profile, Hinge put out an official statement via their social media channels. “Hinge and all associated parties condone Mr. Bagg’s decision, and will not allow this lunacy to continue on our platform. If you run into Mr. Bagg’s profile on our app, we suggest you delete your profile, burn off your fingertips, and flee to Nicaragua.”