In classic Florida fashion, every process surrounding the midterm elections was a tornado of chaotic evil energy that left most of us thinking, “There must be a better way to do that, right?”
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To properly ring in the season of cheer and terrifying Best Buy mobs, Starbucks unveiled their latest holiday-themed cups this past week much to the shock of their loyal-for-the-other-ten-months-of-the-year customers.
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As we near the middle of the semester, it's pretty obvious that everyone is starting to feel the weight of the semester slowly grind them down into a fine powder of stress, unread JSTOR articles and questionable decisions.
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On Friday night, FSU hosted its annual Pow Wow event to celebrate the University’s many achievements, such as having a breathing football team, the conception of Burt Reynolds and the incredibly cool sweatpant, crop-top combo worn by the Golden Girls.
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So with the societal expectation to have a romantic relationship growing, here are some helpful nuggets of love to drop on your potential partner that are sure to have them hooked!
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For many college students with screens that were shattered after being ground pounded into oblivion and batteries that end up at 4% after an hour of scrolling through Twitter, the bourgeoise of smartphones revealing their new line of phones couldn't have come at a better time.
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Super Bowl Sunday is just two days away and everyone across the country is sounding off about it.
With the Senate voting to reopen the government tomorrow, the impact of political dysfunction is still visible across federal services.
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On Saturday, Aziz Ansari became Hollywood’s latest man on the chopping block for sexual misconduct allegations. Much to his chagrin, wearing a “Time’s Up!” pin to the Emmys and writing half-assed jokes mocking men that disrespect women weren’t enough for his part-time feminist agenda to keep him safe from the emboldened grips of people who actually understand what it means to, you know, support and protect women.
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In its latest attempt to please its reptilian donors, the GOP is set to pass a tax bill with the lyrics to Shane McMahon’s “Here Comes the Money” hand scribbled in the margins of all 479 pages to ensure that future generations are buried beneath a swelling avalanche of debt.
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Last Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission noticed there was too much happiness in the air with the anticipation of delicious home-cooked turkeys and pumpkin pies. As a result of this unusual upbeat atmosphere, the FCC moved to repeal the Obama-era net neutrality regulation.
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Tuesday was the anniversary of Trump’s election day, which naturally brought back all previously suppressed memories of politely excusing yourself to the bathroom to sob into your #ImWithHer t-shirt at whatever growingly upsetting function you attended to watch the election.
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In this modern era, it’s impossible to make teens wait for anything. Whether it’s pirating half a season of Game of Thrones weeks before the premiere or stomping on a McDonald’s counter demanding Rick and Morty nugget sauce, these rowdy pre-humans have no patience.
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Feeling unduly welcome at an institution that celebrates slimy reptilian predators, white supremacist Richard Spencer was just spotted scurrying into Ben Hill Griffin Stadium holding a bottle of Drano, chanting, “It’s great to be a Florida hater.”
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As Kyle Ellington Butts IV and his brothers in Delta Rho Alpha awakened for day three of their Wake Forest victory hangover, a collective growl of disapproval rose from the sticky floor of their frat house up to the smoke-stained ceiling, where the PBR rats had grown to an unusual size.
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Just as the cracks in the Arctic shelf and the depletion of the ozone layer can very fucking obviously be attributed to the fault of humans, attitude problems in nature can apparently be attributed to the folly of man. As tension in the cloud community rises in a battle for who humans think is cuter, Altostratus Cloud has taken bullying to the next level (the stratosphere, that is).
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Wow, that sucked.
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Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris climate accord as the next step in his quest to undermine everything Barack Obama ever accomplished.
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You may have been played, America. It's been 13 days since Pwesident Twump’s last decisive military action — or at least the last one to show up on my Facebook feed — and in the eyes of one reporter, that seems long enough for a childish warmonger to experience a complete change of heart.
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