New Starbucks Holiday Cups Feature Raw, Gruesome Birth of Baby Jesus

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To properly ring in the season of cheer and terrifying Best Buy mobs, Starbucks unveiled their latest holiday-themed cups this past week much to the shock of their loyal-for-the-other-ten-months-of-the-year customers. While previous designs have stirred controversy over what many felt to be the explicit erasure of sacred Christian symbols including spruce trees, wrapped presents and the slightly more agnostic “Frosty the Snowman,” this year’s design certainly takes a turn for the religious. Patrons were speechless upon discovering that the new cups display a bloody, anatomically-correct depiction of the birth of Jesus Christ.

“I was just going through my daily routine of being 15 minutes late to class by revitalizing my three brain cells with caffeine. The barista handed me my drink and I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Holly Ringbell, who was completely off guard when she picked up her trenta “Jingle Bell Judas Peppermint Mocha” at the Strozier Starbucks earlier this week... “I remember people getting upset over the plain red cups a few years back, but I never thought they would come back with such a bold religious statement. I’m not exactly “devout” despite the tiny cross I have tattooed on my left wrist, so I’m more surprised than offended. It’s completely unprecedented. Get it? Un-present-dented? I’ll let myself out.”

Not everyone reacted negatively to the gruesome depiction of the nativity being used as a vessel for their gingerbread lattes. Senior Jared Mistle, who is currently President-Elect for FSU’s “War on Christmas Defense Force (WCDF),” was overjoyed at the new design. “For years now, the sacredness of this holiday has been compromised by yuppies trying to not offend the billions of snowflakes in the world that don’t celebrate it,” he said whilst munching on a gold-wrapped chocolate coin. “Those red cups a couple years ago were an abomination. In protest, all of us in the WCDF made sure to tell the baristas our names were ‘Mary’ and ‘Joseph’ every time we gave Starbucks our hard-earned money. That really showed ‘em.”

While it seems evident that the new cups are certainly controversial, it is quite clear that those who were upset over the secular designs from Christmas past should be pleased. Whether or not Starbucks customers are for or against the jarring development, everyone can agree that the seasonal flavors are ridiculously overpriced and tragically delicious. After all, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, so tie up your boots, grab your wishlist and get ready for people to be offended over literally everything for absolutely no reason.

The Eggplant FSU