Cumulus Cloud Bullied by Cooler and Better-Named Altostratus Cloud


Just as the cracks in the Arctic shelf and the depletion of the ozone layer can very fucking obviously be attributed to the fault of humans, attitude problems in nature can apparently be attributed to the folly of man. As tension in the cloud community rises in a battle for who humans think is cuter, Altostratus Cloud has taken bullying to the next level (the stratosphere, that is). After losing the spotlight to his arch nemesis Cumulus Cloud, Altostratus turned into a total dark cloud when he began relentlessly bullying Cumulus for having a silly name and being nowhere near as handsome and ripped as him.

“I know Cumulus is like a nice big cotton candy treat, but I’m way sexier,” claimed Altostratus as he sprinkled thin layers of protein powder over Hong Kong. “I know you puny ground dwellers love pointing out those big fluffy ding-dongs on sunny days, but do you really expect me to not call him ‘Cummie-lus’ in front of Cirrus Cloud? I’ll admit that he’s thicc, but I produce snow. I bring the rain, baby. You know that saying ‘April showers bring May flowers?’ That’s all me. I’m so handsome and have a very cool name. Sometimes people call me ‘Altostratus Clout’.”

The savagery between the floating air rocks began when Pinterest posts on how to make cloud lanterns to hang from your ceiling gained popularity amongst 20-somethings. Rather than team up with his fellow aerosol masses to combat climate change deniers, Altostratus took Cumulus’ sudden fame as an attack on the atmosphere and retaliated by calling him a “big ugly cotton ball dummy” in front of a flock of migrating Canadian geese, who quickly issued apologies for being present and simultaneously Canadian.

“It doesn’t bother me,” said Cumulus, who was altering his form into the shape of a duck wearing a baseball cap or maybe a pile of bagels under a stack of dildos. “I know my name is funny, but I’ve got thick water vapor formation. Altostratus is just jealous that I look like sweet cotton candy and he looks like the ripples when you throw a pebble in a lake. Mother Nature says bullies target others when they have low self-esteem, which would make sense because I heard that when he hooked up with Nimbostratus Cloud he couldn’t even produce any rain. SO embarrassing. Maybe we should call him ‘Cummie-LESS!’ Haha!” Sadly, Cumulus was soon broken apart by a Boeing 737 and exploited on Instagram by an unaccompanied minor taking pictures from the emergency exit row.

The Eggplant FSU