Polling Volunteer Finds 33,684 Votes in Cat’s Stash of Stolen Bottle Caps and Dust Bunnies
In classic Florida fashion, every process surrounding the midterm elections was a tornado of chaotic evil energy that left most of us thinking, “There must be a better way to do that, right?” Shortly after those of us who aren't men went to bed crying on Tuesday night, it was announced that Florida would be recounting votes for both the gubernatorial and Senate election. In the race for governor, Andrew Gillum trailed behind Ron DeSantis by a mere 33,684 votes, which just so happens to be the exact number of ballots that were mysteriously found in local house cat Professor Flufflewinkle’s treasure stash.
“I just can’t believe my little schnookums stole thousands of ballots right out from under my nose. My fluffle wuffle made an oopsie boopsie,” said Leon County polling volunteer Linda Williams while taking a clay imprint of Professor Flufflewinkle’s paw to use as a Christmas ornament. “All of the other polling volunteers warned me not to let my kittykins run lose at the polling site. They said it was unprofessional, but I didn’t think it could be any worse than the Mississippi polling volunteer who wore a shirt featuring a confederate flag and a noose. I stood by that even when he took a poopy in one of the voting booths. How could I know he would be such a naughty little boy and steal 33,684 uncounted ballots!”
“I steal paper sometimes because I can scrunch it up into a ball and kick my little hind legs against it,” said Flufflewinkle, while sticking his leg straight in the air to lick his own butthole. “I didn’t realize these papers were so important. Next time I’ll be sure to kitty scratch paper that people should be throwing out anyway, like bills HB 1149, SB 1308, and everything Pete Davidson has ever written. Very sorry about the mix up.”
It remains to be seen whether or not lawmakers will include the stolen ballots in the mandatory recount. Members of the GOP are arguing that the ballots are invalid because they don’t actually want us to vote and Flufflewinkle vomited on a few of the ballots. However, if the patriarchy can find it’s chill for three minutes and volunteers can dig all of the cat litter out of the voting machines, Gillum might have a shot of winning, which have all of us kneading biscuits into our blankies until the next Supreme Court ruling.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The recount for all ballots is happening NOW, but it can’t be done without you! Consider grabbing your favorite kitty cat and reaching out to an organizer by calling or even texting the number below to get involved. This is time sensitive and the number below can help schedule you in any county in Florida. Most, if not all, are in need of help with counts!
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