Apple Debuts Greek-Lettered iPhones For College Students

For many college students with screens that were shattered after being ground pounded into oblivion and batteries that end up at 4% after an hour of scrolling through Twitter, the bourgeoise of all things tech revealing their new line of phones couldn't have come at a better time. On September 12, Apple showcased their new "iPhone U" line, catered toward university students in fraternities and sororities who love to monogram everything they own to let everyone around them know they're in Greek Life. Unsurprisingly, those who wear exclusively Comfort Colors apparel and only show up to class for an excuse to online shop were beyond excited at the idea of spending more of their parent's money.

"I'm just super excited for my selfies to get an upgrade. Now my friends get to see my forehead acne in ultra high definition," said freshman and newly initiated sister of Mumbo Jumbo Wumbo, Kimmy Corn, as she scribbled "In MWJ We Trust" all over her vision board. "I think it's really awesome how they're doing that for us since we make up a bajillion percent of the population on every college campus. I read online that it's going to include 'TotalFratMove' and 'TotalSratMove' apps, as well as a ringtone that says 'We're not suspended, but other chapters are.' My big and I are already planning to get matching phones!"

"We felt it was important to recognize people who think being in Greek Life is an interesting personality trait," commented Marvin Stunk, Apple's Marketing & PR Director, as he gently placed a gold-plated, diamond-encrusted "Δ" sticker on the back of a phone. "Most of these kids go through 4 or 5 phones a semester because their parents buy new ones after they inevitably drop them in vodka juice buckets or lose them at Recess. We figured, 'why not capitalize on this and make them buy a 6th phone?' Sure they could just buy a cheap phone case on Etsy, but why do that when they can be up-charged an extra $600 for a sticker with their chapter letters."

It doesn't matter if your chapter is called Zip Zap Zop or Super Duper, there's still an unnecessarily expensive "iPhone U" out there for you. From September 21 onward, you can find the totally real and not fake "iPhone U" at your local university bookstore for the small price of one (1) unsubsidized Stafford Loan or your next seven (7) paychecks since you're definitely on your phone during work all the time anyways. If you aren't involved in Greek Life, well, you can thank Apple for not hurting your wallet as much and buy an "iPhone XS" for five cents cheaper.

The Eggplant FSU