Someone Please Give Rick Scott a Hug so He’ll Stop Running for Things

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Yesterday, Governor Richard Lynn Scott emerged from his lonely puddle of sadness to challenge Senator Bill Nelson to the political equivalent of a playground brawl. Like most bullies, Rick Scott often longs for affection but only comes close when getting high-fives from the gaggle of lobbyists who reside in his foyer. The quest for his most coveted treasure — the occasional hug — has reportedly propelled his entire political career. Here are six tangible steps you can take to end his devastating hunt for hugs:

Hug him

Please, somebody, just hug Rick Scott. That’s all he’s ever wanted. Just give him a good squeeze and cling desperately to your soul as it dissolves into ash. Hush now. It’ll be over soon. Follow the light to your civic duty.

Cancel your health insurance

Sick people get lots of hugs — hugs that could otherwise belong to Rick Scott. He’s so jealous of all their hugs that he refused to expand Medicaid and led a company that committed record levels of Medicare fraud. Canceling your insurance will guarantee a swift death so that Rick Scott can harvest all your leftover hugs.

Kidnap a climate scientist

Climate scientists threaten Rick Scott because they predict warmer temperatures. If people expect to be warm, they’re less likely to want a hug. That’s why his administration banned the use of the term “climate change.” Locking the neighborhood climatologist in your trunk will keep Rick Scott’s hug stacks pumping.

Dismantle a school bus

Lots of hugs are given at school, leaving fewer hugs for Rick Scott. That’s why he’s working so hard to defund public schools. By removing the axles on a local school bus, you can help Rick Scott stuff more hugs into his Megatron lunch box.

Cut down a tree

Rick Scott’s longtime motto is “less tree-huggers, more me-huggers.” That’s why he gutted environmental programs at the expense of Florida’s citizens. Fewer trees will create a hug surplus so that more hugs can be dumped into the hug pit in his backyard.

Call him “senator”

Rick Scott wants to be a senator because senators are well-known hug recipients. Scott, though he looks much like an overgrown Boss Baby himself, is excited about the possibility of a foray into forehead kisses for babies or, as he calls it, “hugging with the mouth"

In conclusion, Rick Scott really needs some courageous souls to embrace his moist but surprisingly soft exoskeleton and finally end his reign of hug-seeking terror.

The Eggplant FSU