Maintaining his reputation as a callously Dickensian cheapskate even in the face of tragic humanity, President Trump announced on Tuesday that Syria would pay for the 59 Tomahawk missiles fired at Shayrat airfield last week. The invoice, which Trump mailed personally, asks for “eight Mar-a-Lagos worth of money” to be paid in full immediately to offset the million-dollar-each catalysts for another expensive and aimless war.
Read MorePepsi, the second choice for children everywhere, managed to disappoint adults last week through an advertisement that appropriated protest imagery for the purpose of selling a fizzy drink.
Read MoreJust a few days ago, April 2017 was declared Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month by President Donald Trump. Staffers and surrogates advocated on behalf of this new initiative as they worked their way through cable news shows that the President likely spent the whole day watching.
Read MoreMystery Inc. has done it again. Coming out of retirement for one last puzzle, Scooby and the gang have successfully stopped the disastrous AHCA bill that would not have come to fruition regardless of their involvement due to its incredibly faulty policy.
Read MoreOne such show, featuring a man calling himself Doctor Orange, could be found in a park just blocks from the White House.
Read MoreAs America slips into the frothy darkness that some call the beginning of a dystopian Cormac McCarthy novel, pollsters are working tirelessly to capture the public’s reaction to the nation’s demise.
Read MoreThe White House is now scrambling to find an answer to a breaking New York Times report on newly obtained documents showing what appears to be the crayon-drawn prototype for a catapult designed to launch undocumented immigrants into Mexico.
Read MoreWhen Donald Trump issued an Executive Order placing a travel ban on several predominantly Muslim nations, the ACLU and justices across the nation put in hard hours to defend the liberties of citizens at home and abroad.
Read MoreTheir efforts were in vain, however, as email boxes filled up this weekend with Trump’s sad(!) attempt to assess his popularity with the American people, asking “Do you like me? Check Y or N.”
Read MoreIt appears the Trump administration is looking to deflect from the current Russian connection controversy by pushing its agenda forward in other areas.
Read MoreThe presidential brood of Donald Trump employs many skills. While Trump is in office, people are running his empire of exploitative mini-golf casinos and logging into his endless game of Sid Meier’s Civilization V every day to make sure Persia doesn’t get more silk than him.
Read MoreNoting record-low approval ratings, the President’s increasing hesitation to actually do the work required to run the government and the President’s decreasing hesitation to use the most important global position of power to benefit himself, the White House has announced that a compromise deal is in the works.
Read MoreAs February rolls in, New Year’s Resolutioners stop lying about their supposed love for cardio and return to their old lives, where delayed onset muscle soreness does not exist.
Read MoreThey say actions speak louder than words! After a tweet from barely a year ago stating that a Muslim ban would be unconstitutional resurfaced from Pence’s personal account, Twitter users dragged the Queen of Contradiction for being a bigger hypocrite than his superior Donald Trump, who just last week signed an executive order to ban immigrants from several predominantly Muslim countries from entering the U.S.
Read MoreSurrounded by her crew of fifty people hired to do nothing except bolster her image as a trophy wife, relatable First Lady Melania Trump posed for Vanity Fair Mexico alongside a bowl of lavish jewels entangled like spaghetti in her fork.
Read MoreWith just a few days before the Presidential inauguration, many performers are either refusing to play during the event or backing out of their commitments.
Read MoreSyllabus week came to a close on the notoriously unlucky Friday the 13th, giving students a scapegoat when confronted with the consequences of all the poor decisions they made all week, especially Friday night.
Read MoreThirteen days ago, folks from all walks of life posted drunken selfies on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook and, strangely enough, MySpace, with captions like “2017 is my year!” and “I will throw hands if 2017 doesn’t save us!” Not everyone, however, has this same level of enthusiasm.
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It’s that time of year again! While Santa evades child labor laws by calling his workers ‘elves’ and half of America seemingly ignores the fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas, White House staffers are working hard to make what may be the country’s final joyous holiday season special for the first family.
Read MoreIt’s the holiday season again, a time when believers and nonbelievers find common ground in complaining about Christmas music on the radio and their burning desire to get the must-buy toys of the season!
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