Sean Spicer Boycotts Dippin’ Dots to Prove He Means What He Tweets, Unlike Mike Pence
They say actions speak louder than words! After a tweet from barely a year ago stating that a Muslim ban would be unconstitutional resurfaced from Pence’s personal account, Twitter users dragged the Queen of Contradiction for being a bigger hypocrite than his superior Donald Trump, who just last week signed an executive order to ban immigrants from several predominantly Muslim countries from entering the U.S. In an attempt to show Vice President of the United States/all things prejudicial Mike Pence that posting a picture of you shotgunning a Natty Light isn’t the only thing that can ruin your future, Sean Spicer took it upon himself to be an elite example of a republican showpony. The White House Press Secretary has called for a boycott of the biggest threat to American democracy and his arch nemesis: an ice cream company that specializes in frozen rainbow beads served in souvenir football helmets.
In a public and juvenile battle that has been going on since 2010, Spicer has fought tirelessly to spread his message of scorn for Dippin’ Dots in 140 characters or less, making sure to not let his real-life actions oppose his online claims. “I hate Dippin’ Dots. They stick to my tongue and eating them one-by-one takes too long. But at least I’m not all talk!” Stated Spicer, as he rightfully failed to get #BoycottDippinDots trending over #DeleteUber, considering one brand reminds us of childhood baseball games and the other supported the election of a fascist. “Look, all I’m saying is that Pence should think before he tweets. I’m also saying that despite what my last name might imply, Dippin’ Dots are too spicy for me. The only reason I can chew all this gum is because I’ve Stockholm Syndromed my taste buds to it - but don’t worry, my doctor says it’s chill.” Spicer added. He then swallowed his 35th piece of cinnamon Orbit chewing gum at precisely 12:00 PM, opening to ulcer in his stomach just a little bit wider.
While trying to fathom why Pence would ever go back on his word in order to further his own career with no regard for the well-being of religious minorities, many citizens were at a loss for words. Fortunately, they quickly remembered how something like this could happen when their search for any hint of human decency left in the federal government was met with a new Supreme Court nominee who has been referred to as a “Scalia reincarnate.”
“Mike Pence is a homophobic sewer rat with a constant shit-eating grin and zero respect for anybody who isn’t a white person. Who in their right mind is actually surprised that he tweeted one thing and did the exact opposite? He’s a GEMINI, for Pete’s sake,” said former White House intern and all-around good person Devyn Welsch, while making a pro and con list for permanently logging off of Twitter in the wake of the current political shitstorm. “And Sean Spicer is just as bad. As if working for Trump wasn’t enough, he declares war against Dippin’ Dots? That’s an act of treason.” Welsch then stuck his tongue into a bowl of cookies ‘n cream Dippin’ Dots and continued his pro and con list, adding “don’t have to witness the cultural appropriation of Pepe by the alt-right” to the “pro” side.