Jeff Sessions’ First Official Act: Thwapping Suspenders Against Chest and Pausing Dramatically Before Agitated Charleston Jury

It appears the Trump administration is looking to deflect from the current Russian connection controversy by pushing its agenda forward in other areas. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is going through with her plan to incorporate creationism into science, math, English, art and history classes. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price is busy buying the stocks of the businesses he plans to help through his position. And Ben Carson is staring blankly at a wall, mindlessly playing paddleball as an instrumental version of The Girl from Ipanema repeats softly in the back of his mind. Not wanting to miss the action, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third of his name, has started off his tenure as Attorney General by thwapping his suspenders against his chest and pausing dramatically before an agitated Charleston jury.  

Citing, “the vapors” and a need to dry his brow, Sessions dabbed at the accumulating beads of sweat glistening against his forehead and ominously turned back toward the jury. “Now, now, now, naow, naow, na, na, nah, nah, nah, see here now. Now in this here case we got before us is a might conundrum.”

At this point, the jury, irritable after hours in the hot Carolina sun, rose together as one and with a single powerful voice spoken through the older white woman, Dolores, sitting in the front left, declared, “You stand opposed to true meanings of freedom and justice! And for that you will perish!” The jurors, really just peeved about the lack of air conditioning and eager to get home, then congealed together to form the one true personification of a trial by your peers, taking the form of an enormous Simon Cowell and marching toward Sessions.

“I ain’t never been one to be looking west when a fights brewin’ in the opposite direction, East,” our Attorney General said as he ripped off his white jacket and tweed hat to reveal a black jumpsuit with kanji featuring the Japanese character for “racism,” and screaming until a yellow flame shot up from the ground around him. His jowls rocked back and forth until finally rapidly expanding to thrice their normal size and spinning like that trash pigeon from social media. He continued, this time with the voice of Lucifer, who now owned his soul: “You underestimate me, and you always have! I should have been a judge in 1986, but you said I was too racist. I’LL SHOW YOU RACIST!” 

The court stenographer was unable to record in words the great and awesome battle that followed, but when the dust settled, Enormous-Simon-Cowell and Super-Sessions had just jumped into the air at the same time, a glare striking observers in the eye as they met at their peak, and each fell to the ground, bending on one knee. People at the scene then reportedly witnessed Enormous-Simon-Cowell, after about six to ten seconds of kneeling, fall to the ground and split back into its corporeal components. Before separating though, some in the courthouse heard the larger-than-life reality show judge laugh and whisper, “You won this round, but the sun never sets on the British Empire.”

The Eggplant FSU