POTUS Sends out Email Blast to American People: Do You Like Me? Check Y or N
Recently, millions have hoped to ignore the constant barrage of blatant lies and reactionary bullshit from Donald Trump and friends by staying as far away from social media as they can. Knowing that the president’s natural habitat is Twitter and that he’s uncomfortable reading anything over 140 characters, exhausted Americans have been going on short hiatuses in a mass effort to reduce the number of government-caused conniptions. Their efforts were in vain, however, as email boxes filled up this weekend with Trump’s sad(!) attempt to assess his popularity with the American people, asking “Do you like me? Check Y or N.”
“This is the perfect way to show them libbys what’s what!” Explained Trump’s campaign manager, political counselor and master of shit cover-ups, Kellyanne Conway. “The vagueness of the question, limited answering capability and the inability to write actual feedback makes it perfect for confirming my- I mean the populace’s beliefs. If it comes back saying that people don’t like him...well, that’s obviously because too many stupid liberals took the survey. They don’t count, they’re not real people.” Conway then cackled a daemon’s laugh for 20 minutes, lit a statistics textbook on fire and promptly excused herself after receiving a text with a White House memo explaining that IKEA is not, in fact, the Swedish embassy.
While it is technically within his power to send the email, many are criticizing the POTUS for wasting precious time and taxpayer dollars, as well as for somehow being both conniving and incompetent. The Executive Office has denied these remarks, saying that Trump spent the weekend in Mar-a-Lago trying to cheer himself up by surrounding himself with the voters who had the power to make a difference and instead voted for Jill Stein, so he couldn’t have wasted anyone’s time or money. Public opinion has been divided on whether the survey actually presents an opportunity for constructive criticism. Social scientists in particular are baffled by the schoolboy inquisition, particularly the fact that the survey was written in crayon and despite being digital somehow has Trump’s boogers on it.
“Is this man actually a child? First of all, the question is vague, the answers are limited and there’s no place to provide any actual feedback!” Exclaimed Nolan Hall, one of the few people who didn't immediately file the email under spam. “Second, when I tried to click ‘N,’ all the power in my house immediately turned off and federal agents burst through my door and started pouting and said that if I didn’t put ‘Y’ I would hit Trump ‘wight in his feelie-weelies.’ It’s almost like we’re continuing to allow someone with no grasp of the English language, basic political knowledge or emotional maturity to hold the highest office of national government.”