Egad! Eric Trump Botches Restoration of Andrew Jackson Portrait

The presidential brood of Donald Trump employs many skills. While Trump is in office, people are running his empire of exploitative mini-golf casinos and logging into his endless game of Sid Meier’s Civilization V every day to make sure Persia doesn’t get more silk than him. Despite this honorable burden, the third fleshling to spring from Trump’s terrible maw, Eric, somehow finds the time to dabble in art restoration.

In his attempt to align his administration with the populist presidency of Andrew “duelin’ hands” Jackson, Donald Trump spends most mornings in the Oval Office flagging news stories he doesn’t like as “fake” and writing reporters names on a list labeled “dissenting bozos to throw in serpent pit.” One day last week the president caught up to the news that Harriet Tubman will replace Jackson on the face of the $20 bill. Upon reading this news, President Trump slammed his fists down onto his desk. This caused the portrait of Andrew Jackson behind him to fall and scrape against a stack of hyena bones the president had been gnawing on since lunch.

“It was very rude of you to knock down my ancient photo of Andrew Jackson like that. So rude. SEE YOU IN COURT!” scolded Trump, seemingly blaming the inanimate bust of Martin Luther King Jr. “Eric, get in here, you great big brussel sprout of a boy.” At this, a frantic Eric Trump darted into the Oval Office and saw the besmirched portrait of Jackson. “Oh no, daddy! What did the ghost of King do this time?” he asked. President Trump handed the scraped painting to his son and said, “fix it or I’m giving Barron your teeth.”

Eric worked tirelessly to restore the painting. After three hours of meticulous work, Eric returned to find his father had grown impatient and bought a new portrait. Trump looked at his son and said, “You took too long, Derek. I have this painting now. It’s the best. Look at the sheer look of white supremacy in his eyes. It’s virile. Truly provocative.” Eric slunk away from his father’s office and went back to his room. A single tear fell from his eye as Eric hung the restored portrait of Jackson on his wall, next to a dozen crayon drawings of him and his father playing catch with big diamonds.