The AHCA “Would’ve Passed if It Weren’t for You Meddling Kids and Our Deeply Flawed Bill”

Mystery Inc. has done it again. Coming out of retirement for one last puzzle, Scooby and the gang have successfully stopped the disastrous AHCA bill that would not have come to fruition regardless of their involvement due to its incredibly faulty policy. “Like, we really didn’t do, like, any investigative work on this,” said Shaggy, smoking a blunt and ordering 10,000 subs from Jimmy Johns. “Like, this bill was, like, dead on arrival. Even, like, morally questionable Trump supporters, like, took their heads out of their bigoted echo-chamber-assholes and, like, opposed it. Zoinks!”

Despite opposition from 18 Republican lawmakers, conservative groups, health lobbies and interest groups and Trump’s very own political fleshlight Breitbart, Trump only pointed fingers at the Democratic party and the cartoon amateur investigators from the 1970s for the bill’s failure, probably because his hands are too small, and his bruised ego too large, to assign blame elsewhere. “We had no democratic support,” said Trump, drafting up a new bill that simply read ‘BAN SCOOBY SNACKS.’ “Maybe if the millions of illegals who voted in the election had had a say, our amazing, great, so great, really amazing bill would have gone through. Wait, where have I been going with this argument for the last four months, again?”

“This spooky specter of unbridled capitalism was going to take away ten essential health benefits and defund Planned Parenthood for a year,” said Velma, pulling the poorly constructed mask off of the AHCA bill to reveal that it was really a way to give tax breaks to the wealthy if it passed, or villainize the left if it did not. “Even without my glasses I could see through this scheme that lawmakers had seven years to formulate. I’m glad this bill was pulled though because without the ACA, I wouldn’t be able to afford birth control to manage my PCOS. Jinkies.”

Convinced that a group of teenagers and an anthropomorphized dog must have infiltrated his mind to uncover his plan, Trump tweeted out ‘Just found out Mystery, Inc. has been wiretapping my own brain. Bad (or sick) amateurs!’ Even more embarrassing than his accusations of telepathy was the betrayal of his Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who was found hiding in the back of the Mystery Machine trying to join the squad on their next adventure. Tipped off by the smell of cinnamon, Scooby Doo found Spicer in the spare tire compartment, mistaking his mass of Orbit gum with a spilled box of Scooby Snacks.

The Eggplant FSU