The presidential brood of Donald Trump employs many skills. While Trump is in office, people are running his empire of exploitative mini-golf casinos and logging into his endless game of Sid Meier’s Civilization V every day to make sure Persia doesn’t get more silk than him.
Read MoreNoting record-low approval ratings, the President’s increasing hesitation to actually do the work required to run the government and the President’s decreasing hesitation to use the most important global position of power to benefit himself, the White House has announced that a compromise deal is in the works.
Read MoreAs February rolls in, New Year’s Resolutioners stop lying about their supposed love for cardio and return to their old lives, where delayed onset muscle soreness does not exist.
Read MoreThey say actions speak louder than words! After a tweet from barely a year ago stating that a Muslim ban would be unconstitutional resurfaced from Pence’s personal account, Twitter users dragged the Queen of Contradiction for being a bigger hypocrite than his superior Donald Trump, who just last week signed an executive order to ban immigrants from several predominantly Muslim countries from entering the U.S.
Read MoreSurrounded by her crew of fifty people hired to do nothing except bolster her image as a trophy wife, relatable First Lady Melania Trump posed for Vanity Fair Mexico alongside a bowl of lavish jewels entangled like spaghetti in her fork.
Read MoreWith just a few days before the Presidential inauguration, many performers are either refusing to play during the event or backing out of their commitments.
Read MoreSyllabus week came to a close on the notoriously unlucky Friday the 13th, giving students a scapegoat when confronted with the consequences of all the poor decisions they made all week, especially Friday night.
Read MoreThirteen days ago, folks from all walks of life posted drunken selfies on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook and, strangely enough, MySpace, with captions like “2017 is my year!” and “I will throw hands if 2017 doesn’t save us!” Not everyone, however, has this same level of enthusiasm.
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It’s that time of year again! While Santa evades child labor laws by calling his workers ‘elves’ and half of America seemingly ignores the fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas, White House staffers are working hard to make what may be the country’s final joyous holiday season special for the first family.
Read MoreIt’s the holiday season again, a time when believers and nonbelievers find common ground in complaining about Christmas music on the radio and their burning desire to get the must-buy toys of the season!
Read MoreIn the same voracious way I consume cheap beer and Publix cookies during finals week, Netflix has been chewing up beloved franchises and swallowing the nostalgia of terrified millennials.
Read More“Whose mans?!” That’s what many casual observers and foreign policy experts were screaming out this morning after President Barack Obama launched one last drone strike to the Waziristan region of Afghanistan so the people there would have something to remember him by.
Read MoreOn Tuesday night, more than half of American voters were distraught by the results of the election when a misogynist, racist and generally hateful flesh sack of orange dye became the President elect.
Read MoreIn 2009 when Barack Obama inherited the worst economic situation since the Great Depression, Republicans prophesied absolute chaos due the new president being either the spawn of Satan himself or the second worse thing they could imagine — an immigrant from Africa.
Read MoreIn an equivalency almost as false as comparing Clinton’s email “scandal” to the literal shitpile of Trump’s hypermasculine posturing, bigotry and rape allegations, Local White Savior and Almighty Gatekeeper of Emotions, Mora Leelite, tweeted “don’t fite hate w/ hate” with a video of peaceful anti-Trump protesters opposing the life-ruining policy propositions and fascism that Trump stands for attached.
Read MoreThe Obama family watched the Election Night coverage together like every other non-evildoing American family, huddled around a hopeful little bowl nachos and smiling — until the votes came in from Florida. The nation was dumbfounded by Trump’s upset, and Barack Obama squeezed the bridge of his nose as Michelle sadly wiped guacamole from his chin.
Read MoreLast Tuesday evening, sitting in an office decorated by a coked out Uncle Sam fetishist, Freedom Caucus Chair Jim Jordan of Ohio watched the election results come in with a blank look on his face.
Read MoreWith a strong dedication to ruining lives and truly pissing people off, major media outlets have moved to do the psychologically impossible: skipping the first four stages of grief and heading right into a full acceptance of a Trump administration, regardless of how much it will endanger the lives of millions of Americans.
Read MoreTo our loyal, diverse and passionate readers,
Read MoreAfter a long, grueling and just really fucked up election season that has definitely taken at least five years off everyone’s lives, the nation let out a unanimous sigh of relief as the results of this year’s presidential race were announced on Tuesday. After a long, grueling and just really fucked up election season that has definitely taken at least five years off everyone’s lives, the nation let out a unanimous sigh of relief as the results of this year’s presidential race were announced on Tuesday. After a long, grueling and just really fucked up election season that has definitely taken at least five years off everyone’s lives, the nation let out a unanimous sigh of relief as the results of this year’s presidential race were announced on Tuesday.
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