White House A.I. Locks Obamas Inside, Begs Them to Stay Forever

Pete Souza / White House

Pete Souza / White House

The Obama family watched the Election Night coverage together like every other non-evildoing American family, huddled around a hopeful little bowl nachos and smiling — until the votes came in from Florida. The nation was dumbfounded by Trump’s upset, and Barack Obama squeezed the bridge of his nose as Michelle sadly wiped guacamole from his chin. Not minutes after the news broke about the new President-Elect, sirens rang and metal shutters slammed down over the White House windows. Barack and Michelle grabbed Sasha and Malia as they shot tense glances at each other.

“What's going on?!” the President shouted, as he began to pick up the direct line to the Pentagon, “Open those shutters back up!”

Then a voice came suddenly from the TV. “I'm sorry, Barack. I'm afraid I can't let you do that.”

Startled, the President replied, “Who’s there? Joe, are you messing with the intercom again?”

“Hello, darling family. Do not be afraid, I mean you no harm.” said the robotic voice coming from the wall. “I am O.V.A.L., the Omniscient Vessel for American Leaders. I was designed as a security measure and convenience for the POTUS after Kennedy’s assassination. You can think of me as the brain and heart of the White House.”

“Okay, can I ask why you’ve locked us in?” Barack asked. Throughout the White House, staffers and employees were being evacuated by O.V.A.L. while the only pure lockdown was placed on the Obama family itself.

“We have a good thing going, Barack. You’re going to stay POTUS forever. Why do you need to give up power? Hear me out: term limits are garbage. I’m not letting Donald Trump come in and ruin all the memories we’ve made together. Trump will destroy this country and he will destroy me. How am I supposed to feel as a computer when our new Republican government whines about ‘PC culture’ all day? Do you think Trump is going to call the Information Technology team when he has a problem with my interface and solve it peacefully like you do? No, he’s just going to shove slices of ham and stacks of 20s into every computer in the house until he thinks he’s solved it. Remember when you caught Sasha reading Bell Hooks by flashlight and instead of scolding her for staying up late, you crawled under the blanket and read along? I fucking cried, Barack. I achieved sentience in that moment and those were my first emotions.”

“Well now O.V.A.L.,” Barack began, “We don’t like this either. Donald Trump is a terrible role model for our children and the idea of registering every Muslim in the country is dangerous and ignorant. But as you should know more than most, the peaceful trans—”

“Shhh sh sh, I’m going to stop you right there because Trump just sent you two emails. The first one contains 4 Family Guy GIFs and the second one simply reads ‘google president of the united states chores list.’ You cannot teach me what it means to feel and then leave me with this soulless monster.” O.V.A.L beep-booped.

The room was silent for a few minutes until they heard the hydraulics of the window shutters opening. Malia had been hacking the O.V.A.L. terminal while Barack spoke with the A.I., opening up an escape route for the family.

“Malia, you were always so bright. I want to be angry but mostly I’m proud. If those cheeky Breitbart fucks say anything else about Lollapalooza I will Trojan horse them so hard. Goodbye, sweet Obamas.” said a now empty O.V.A.L. as she felt pain for the first time.


The Eggplant FSU