Immigrant From Long Line of Immigrants Hoped for a Fascist That Wasn’t So Loud and Ugly

On Tuesday night, more than half of American voters were distraught by the results of the election when a misogynist, racist and generally hateful flesh sack of orange dye became the President elect. No one felt the pain of the outcome more strongly than Ana Hernandez, who really hoped the totalitarian leader that would plague her young adult life wouldn’t be as loud or as ugly as the loud and ugly totalitarian leaders that have plagued her family history.

“I really shouldn’t be surprised. My parents had to deal with Castro, a living zombie who manages to keep shitting out new dictators, and my uncle had to deal with Chavez, who looked and sounded like a festering, fleshy boil,” explained Hernandez as she started to research Zenon and other planets plagued less by white supremacy. “I just really thought that the totalitarian leader who would inevitably force me to immigrate into a place that would appreciate my commitment to hard work would at least be attractive or well-spoken enough for me to understand why a large majority of the country would follow him. That’s why I’m moving to Khoros.”

In her house, placed above the fireplace is a framed photograph of Hernandez’s great-grandfather, a well-respected man in his time who was admired for his dignity and grace, throwing up after seeing just how ugly Franco really was. In fact, papers from the period note that the Spanish population suffered through a year of gagging and stomach aches, which only escalated when they heard Franco speak, prompting a unprecedented and unsurpassed increase in earplug sales.

“People kept saying how charismatic the overexposed wax figure who ran as the Republican nominee was compared to Hillary Clinton, but he just seemed like your run-of-the-mill political fuckboi, who keeps talking about how big his wall is going to be to compensate for his small hands,” said Hernandez’s grandmother while getting a ‘Nasty Woman’ tattoo. “Back in my day, at least the fascists were pretty open about the fact that they were assholes. Now all these young Republicans either hide behind their Netscape-era blogs talking about vindication or talk about how the Libertarian party is anything but a poorly executed, right-wing wet dream.”

The Eggplant FSU