Inspiring! American Media Skips First Four Stages of Grief, Heads Right to Acceptance of Trump Presidency

With a strong dedication to ruining lives and truly pissing people off, major media outlets have moved to do the psychologically impossible: skipping the first four stages of grief and heading right into a full acceptance of a Trump administration, regardless of how much it will endanger the lives of millions of Americans. Continuing their role as wagons in the Donald Trump presidency caravan for the sake of improving ratings and having a clip from their show on the front page of the Huffington Post’s website, media outlets have begun to tackle normalizing what they hath wrought as the next item on their list, aptly titled “We Made Our Bed, Now the American People Must Lie In It.”

“This is an important lesson for the American people: You can’t always get what you want, especially when what you want is for us to do our jobs,” explained Frank Flipflopper from FOX Florida. “They asked for legitimate coverage of the candidates asking for their votes, so we went right on ahead and did the exact opposite straight through the primaries. Then we threw it into turbo drive during the general, and we’ll round it out with a full blown normalization of Fascism... excuse me, sorry, it’s President-Elect Fascism now. Boy, that’ll take some getting used to, am I right?”

Acceptance remains far from the minds of many Americans, who have marched in the streets since Wednesday, attempting to provide concrete evidence that they are, in fact, real human beings worthy of basic civil rights over the sound of spineless politicians who condemned Trump in August now vowing to work with him. Young women, men and non-binary folks are turning out in astronomical numbers to reject a system that has consistently rejected them. Luckily, all major news networks are covering these reactions through a small crawl across the bottom of a screen waiting on constant stand-by for James Comey just in case he has any more e-mail news to share.

“I mean, at first I was shocked at the election results, but looking back it all makes sense,” said Young Person Carlson Maguire, trying to figure out how much bone marrow he would have to donate to combat the impending economic shitshow. “Media outlets across party lines spent most of their time treating Donald Trump like Charlie Sheen circa 2009-2010, covering his ideologies as silly antics we would all forget about once Kate Middleton and Prince William got engaged instead of actual policies that would reinvigorate white supremacists and make more than half the country fear for their lives.”  

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