Syllabus week came to a close on the notoriously unlucky Friday the 13th, giving students a scapegoat when confronted with the consequences of all the poor decisions they made all week, especially Friday night. While superstitious people were busy tracking down ladders not to walk under and trying not to crack their mothers’ backs, Donald Trump’s inauguration on the 20th slowly crept up on them and is sure to overshadow all unfavorable events of the Friday prior.
“I was really careful on the 13th. I trapped like forty ladybugs so I could force them to land on me for good luck, but I am not sure what to do on the 20th to avoid the impending doom of our nation,” said freshman Leila Mallard before she began stringing together hot sauce packets to wear around her neck. “If garlic keeps vampires away maybe hot sauce will keep Trump away? It’s definitely a reach, but I’m desperate.”
“Well on the 13th I got a fucking siiick tattoo of a wolf eating the number thirteen and it was only thirteen dollars. So I was thinking for the 20th, I’ll get a tattoo of the word ‘help’ on my forehead and give whatever money I have left to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU,” explained junior Terrance Johnson as he scrolled through typefaces trying to decide which one best captured his overwhelming disappointment with this great nation, ultimately choosing Papyrus. “I’m still trying to find whoever broke a mirror before the election and gave us these next few years of bad ‘luck.’”
Jason Voorhees, despite being mad about having his spotlight stolen, offered Trump his goalie mask for the big day, but unfortunately, the PEOTUS turned it down. This means that the country will, in fact, have to watch his smug disaster of a face be sworn in as the next President of the United States. After turning down the mask, Trump’s administration offered Voorhees a spot as a paid seat filler for Friday’s inauguration, to which Voorhees replied by sawing his machete through every piece of “Make America Great Again” merchandise he could get his hands on. He then, like 2 Chainz and a Bruce Springsteen cover band, politely declined to attend.