Riches-to-riches underdog Donald Trump continues his grassroots campaign tour this Tuesday with a stop in Tallahassee, Florida. On Monday night Trump stopped in Tampa, disappointed to find “Ybor City” is not Vladimir Putin’s vacation home and is instead home to the Ybor Shoe Licker, who said he wouldn’t even lick Trump’s shoe. Trump was introduced and endorsed by renowned college football coach and cultural relic you wished had stayed silent for just fifteen more fucking days, Bobby Bowden.
“We’ve lost so much prestige, nobody is concerned about us anymore,” said Coach Bowden, crying into both an American flag and an FSU football jersey. “I love what he said about making America great again… I just love that. Ronald’s gonna make our multi-trillion dollar army yuge again and I think that’s a game-winning play. Touchdown, Ronny!!!” Coach Bowden was then moved into another room to stare into a crystal football for the remainder of the afternoon.
Trump will speak outside of the Tallahassee Automobile and Collectibles Museum, an establishment famous for its collection of batmobiles, knives and bored patrons. The museum is owned by Tallahassee’s libertarian sugar daddy and real life Scrooge McDuck, DeVoe Moore.
“Donald and I are both big-boy entrepreneurs. Who says you need to know how the government works to be a good president? I never learned to play the piano or how to drive, but I get my hands on every Steinway and Batmobile I can find,” said Moore. In exchange for use of the venue, Donald Trump paid Moore in the only currency Moore still values: three pints of virgin’s blood and a Street Sharks action figure.
As thousands of poo-assed loudmouths flocked to the Trump rally, the good-hearted citizens of Tallahassee set to work building a wall around Capital Circle Road to make sure they could not return. As the hulking river of pickup trucks laden with Trump’s supporters flowed to the edge of the city, opportunistic merchants weaved between vehicles selling bows, furs and a variety of survival gear looted from the Bass Pro Shops on the way. Drums of war could be heard all the way from the Gulf, beating along with the dark hearts of Trump’s legion.
When asked who would pay for the 15 foot cement wall, Mayor Andrew Gillum answered shakily, “Gainesville will pay for the wall!” Gainesville Mayor Lauren Poe has been unavailable for comment on the funding of the wall, presumably because he’s with his family in their bunker taking shelter from the deluge of crustpunks, emo-types and ne’er-do-wells entering the city for Fest.
On Tuesday evening, Bobby Bowden found that the city that once called him Big Papa Football had now rejected him. Jimbo Fisher sat perched atop the Unconquered statue, which now resides on top of the wall, wearing a “One World, One Chance” T-shirt. “This isn’t your town anymore, old man! We are the future!” He shouted, sword unsheathed and hair blowing magnificently in the wind. Bobby began to lead the other Trump supporters in a mash-up of “The Star-Spangled Banner” and “We Shall Overcome” before Jimbo cut them off. “Shut the fuck up, Bobby. You did this to yourself!” A single tear fell from Jimbo’s eye as he slayed his mentor with a mighty and appropriative spear, kissed a photo of Jill Stein and turned his back on the old world.