A Farewell From the Department Head of Kitten Tootsie Content

If, over the last two years, you've read an Eggplant FSU article that centered on cats or weed or cats and weed, it’s likely that I pitched the headline. That’s because if there’s anything I’ve learned at my time here at FSU, it’s that cats and weed are fucking hilarious. A photoshopped picture of a cat smoking weed? Peak comedy, baby!

Some people ask me how I ended up at FSU. Those people are usually my friends’ parents grasping for conversation when their daughter goes to the bathroom at dinner, leaving us to fend for ourselves for seven excruciating minutes. My answer is always the same: I didn’t get into any other school. To be fair, the other schools I applied to were Northwestern and Boston College. Turns out their minimum GPA requirements are not flexible suggestions. But I am so glad I was too lazy to apply to any other school because FSU gave me my two favorite clubs: No Bears Allowed and The Eggplant FSU.

I am so thankful for my time at The Eggplant and not just because they let me write an article about Shaun White and sentient doobies. When I first joined, my editors were two of the most powerful and terrifying women I know: Rona Akbari and Carolyn Bernucca. They helped me develop my comedy voice into something that was intellectual, inclusive and generally weed-related. The weed-related part can mostly be attributed to the fact that there is a fourteen year-old boy on a bike powering my brain, but I appreciate that they never discouraged me from writing what I wanted. Even if the crux of the article was nothing more than clammy hands.

When Carolyn and Rona left, they were replaced by two women who were even more powerful and terrifying: Sydney Otis and Mallorie List. That’s right, for two years straight my editors were all women, which turned out exactly how you would expect — I have now fully evolved into a evil sorceress whose powers include yelling at men for opening their mouths and dry heaving for two hours every time I drink tequila. Seriously, do I need to see a doctor about that? What I’m trying to say is that Sydney and Mallorie turned out to be two of the most beautiful, kind and hilarious women I’ve ever met and I wrote some of my favorite articles under their sexy, sexy guidance.

Now, Michael Hazan and Grace Michaels have become editors, knowing that they had some tough acts to follow. Literally. Did you guys see Mallorie open for Brooks Wheelan? God, that was hot. I am sad that I won’t get to write more under their leadership, but I am excited to watch The Eggplant FSU grow and even more excited to bully future staff members into following me on Twitter. Now, however, my time at The Eggplant FSU has sadly ended, as all sexy things do, and I want to leave you with one final thought: A picture of my two children, Escobar and Aurora. Wook at the wittle schnookum bookums!