FSU to Subsidize Emotional Support Cats for Freshmen Trying Weed for First Time
In a surprisingly liberal turn of events this week, the administration at Florida State has decided to provide access to emotional support cats for every freshman that hits a poorly-rolled blunt once at a dorm pregame and immediately throws up or becomes convinced that the FBI is stationed outside of Landis Hall with heat-detecting cameras. The decision came after every single remotely cool freshman ended up in a bathtub at 4 a.m, rocking back-and-forth, whispering “I’m sorry, Mom!” during syllabus week.
“We’re not dumb enough to think that freshmen won’t be paying $20 for a gram of mids throughout their first semester. I know I did it when I was in college,” said Alyssa Hinds, the assistant to the the badass Vice President of Student Affairs at the University. “We just want to make sure that if these dweebs are going to go full-panic mode after taking one hit, they suffer as little psychological damage as possible. What better way to improve wellness than by having kittens rub their butts on freshmen all over campus?
“On syllabus week, I ate a single crumb of a weed brownie and my dad called as soon as I started to feel it. So naturally, I turned all the lights off in my room and hid under my bed. Even though he lives in Sarasota, I thought he telepathically sensed that I did weed and had driven up that night to take me to military school,” said Scott McCormick, while browsing Amazon for bedazzled harnesses that would put the spotlight on his SDRC-approved feline, weed-loving friend. “But just as I was spiraling, a tiny little floof ball came up to me, laid right on my chest, and started making biscuits on my shirt. That’s how I knew everything was going to be okay.”
So far the results of the subsidized program, "S.C.A.R.E.D.Y. C.A.T", which stands for Society of Cats that Are Ready Ef Da Youth Continue to Act Terrified, has yielded promising results. The number of freshmen that wake their RAs at 2 a.m. asking to be big spooned until they fall asleep has decreased significantly. Administrative officials say that they hope to expand the program to college kids all over Tallahassee within the next year. Here’s to a future in which college students across America can soothe all of their turmoils with the help of a few emotional-support fluffballs.