FSU's 2018 Best Campus Grinches!

Screen Shot 2018-12-13 at 12.52.00 PM.png

It’s almost time for winter break, so get ready for that inevitable three weeks of doing nothing but watching reruns of Law and Order: SVU, Everybody Hates Chris and holiday movies that serve no other purpose than to exist as white noise. While everyone is taking in the fact that they're as far away from Tallahassee as humanly possible, they're still thinking about their professors and faculty members who serve as the sole reason for why they need to decompress from the trauma that is finals week. One way of doing this is by watching poorly made remakes of “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” and pretending each iteration of the nasty, furry man who hates joy and cheer is the same person who refused to bump your 89.45% to an even 90%. Lucky for your grudges, The Eggplant FSU, is here to provide you with campus caricatures of each of the four Grinches!  

Strozier Starbucks Employee at 3 A.M. - the 1957 Dr. Seuss Literary Classic

It’s well understood that these people have a right to be grinchy. Much like Dr. Seuss’s original premise of a green goblin that steals from children, we don’t question it. If you don’t want to hear about how you are making their heart shrink by ordering the double shot gingerbread latte with cashew milk, just stop coming into the Strozier Starbucks at 3 am. You’re the real holiday villain here.

Francis Eppes Statue - Actually More Evil Than the 1966 TV Grinch

Super Grinch. Awful man. He’s worse than the 1966 Grinch hellbent on the destruction of holiday cheer. He has as already terrorized whole villages by willingly tearing families apart and selling other human beings for the majority of his adult life. His heart will never grow three sizes on this day, or any day because we immortalized it in stone!  

President John Thrasher as 2000 Manic and Disgruntled Jim Carrey Grinch

Much like Jim Carrey’s Grinch going through the yellow pages and declaring his hate for the residents of Whoville, Thrasher can’t help but decry every fraternity from Alpha to Omega. With their headaches and antics in peak season, it’s no wonder why our university president has chosen to hide up in a cave, model the season’s hottest lederhosen and let the frats ruin Christmas all by themselves.

Dr. Craig Filar as 2018 Grinch Remake

Craig Filar of the Office of National Fellowships is by no means hard enough to qualify for one of the past grinches, but he can definitely qualify to be FSU’s very own 2018 soft Grinch remake. Instead of terrorizing small Who villages, he prefers to shop for organic groceries in them, and hope to God students who dub his their “close personal friend and mentor” don’t see him, say hello or try to get yet another recommendation letter out of him. Though he may be prickly and full of tough, academic love on the outside, we’re confident his heart was already three sizes too big for his body because of all the marathons he runs.

The Lorax, because there’s no way we aren’t talking about this orange sex-on-legs in a study of Dr. Seuss characters, goes to Mark Ziegler. Much like the Lorax, we can confidently trust Mark Ziegler to save us from our own destructive ways. Instead of speaking for the trees, he speaks for the Noles--and you better make the best of your college experience if you want to honor him. He may not be planting seeds for some Truffula trees anytime soon, the seeds of knowledge and life lessons will be popping into students’ brains so long as FSU keeps forcing us to all take SPC1001.

The Eggplant FSU