UF Student Body Falls Off of Collective High Horse, Dies


Uh Oh! Controversy! Following the news that University of Florida starting quarterback Will Grier has been suspended for the remainder of the season due to performance enhancing drugs, the collective University of Florida student body was forcibly removed from their high horse of sainthood and reminded that they still rank amongst the top in the nation for violating NCAA rules and regulations. Despite this suspension having a negative impact on UF’s season, many of the more obnoxious members of the student body are still refusing to acknowledge a problem with Grier’s actions. “Our football team is doing whatever it takes to succeed, just like me,” said mechanical engineering major Jayden Rubstein, as he rolled down his sleeve to cover up a premature ‘Gators 2015 National Champions’ tattoo. “Just like I have the right to overpay that weird guy in my chemistry class $30 for an Adderall so I can totally ace mid-terms, Will Grier has the right to take steroids and gain 40 pounds. Those are the freedoms that UF, or as I and Marco Rubio like to call it, ‘The Harvard of the South,’ are built on.”

Other members of the Gator family aren’t so quick to defend Grier. “It’s just unfortunate,” UF head coach Jim McElwain said. “Every time we think our guys are staying in line for a couple months, something like this happens.” This is McElwain's first season as UF’s head coach, and he has yet to lose a game. “I mean in the last couple years this program has committed SO many violations and broken SO many laws I was hoping it could cool down for a little.”

“Yeah, it sucks that I got caught,” said Grier, a redshirt freshman for the Gators. “I thought I could fly under the radar - I mean like freshman forty-five, anyone? - but unfortunately they tested me and now I gotta let Treon try again. On the bright side, people can’t blame me if we lose to Georgia or Florida State, so I guess you could say there's really a silver-lining to all this hoopla.”

In response to all this controversy, UF President W. Kent Fuchs released a statement saying that the school’s slogan, “It’s Great to Be a Florida Gator” will be temporarily changed to “It’s Okay to Be a Florida Gator’ and all social media activity should follow utilizing the hashtag "#ItsOkUF" for the remainder of the season.