Following FSU’s recent crime alert, the ghosts of Florida State announced that they would no longer be haunting the campus or allowing for orientation ghost tours, as they fear for their after-lives. “We ghosts have decided that safety conditions on this campus at night leave much to be desired, and frankly we do not feel comfortable putting ourselves at risk so a bunch of teenagers can walk around bored at orientation every summer,” said Chairman of the Spectre Awareness Association (SAA), Thomas V. Haunts this morning at a press conference in the basement of Dodd Hall.
“I wish there was another way,” said the ghost of the Florida State Quidditch team, Nearly-Got-Head Nick. “But I would rather walk through a field of Dementors than walk around Smith and Kellum after 9 p.m.”
Even spirits that haunt real sports do not feel comfortable on campus at night. The Ghost of Recent-Quarterbacks-Past, JBooOOooOO, exclaimed on a table at the press conference, “Those spirits looked me in my eye and they said, ‘We got this.’ And I said … we said … I said, ‘Are you spooky?’ They said, ‘I’m spooky if you spooky.’ I said, ‘We spooky, then.’ We thought campus safety conditions could be overcome like Auburn, but they turned out to be more like Oregon.”
A disembodied Charles Koch, who sits on both the Ghosts of FSU Young Republicans Board and the very real Applied Economics Department Leadership Board, described the SAA’s act of protest as being “in clear violation of our rites. Ghosts in dangerous areas should just work harder to afford tangible, albeit mangled and aging, bodies—like my brother and I have.”
FSU Deputy Police Chief Jim Russel said in a statement directed to the incoming freshman class, “If those ghosts wanted to stay safe from attackers, they shouldn’t have been wearing all of those creepy locks and chains. It’s like they were asking to be busted.”