Confused Freshman Superfan Upset He Has No Spear-it Rewards Points


Jerry Schwartz was the biggest fan of his high school football team, and his decision to come to Florida State was largely impacted by his desire to attend a school with a great football program. So far this semester, Schwartz has been seen not only attending baby bio, but also bringing with him a garnet over-sized foam finger and doing the war chant at his professor’s every pause. Yet, for the Miami game, Schwartz found himself in the last ticket window. “How does being as school spirited as it gets not get you any Spear-it Rewards points?” asked Schwartz as he cried into his throwback Charlie Ward quilt. “I mean, I’ve been kissing my Bobby Bowden bobblehead before every class. I even dyed my hair garnet and gold and then put in my Tinder bio that the carpet matches the drapes. That’s true, by the way.”

“Honestly, I thought for sure he would have gotten first window. He was even going to the volleyball games with me,” said Schwartz’s roommate John Martin. “But then again, when it came time to swipe your card, most of the time he was too busy yelling the chants he made up for every player to get his points. And have you seen those names? Dadowski, Burkert, Ismaili, and Saunier...those were not easy chants to make.”

“Should he be allowed to come to the game? Absolutely,” said John Thrasher as he browsed the Google results of his own name from his private jacuzzi in the Doak President’s Box. “Will he be allowed to come to the game? Absolutely not. Having school spirit is all about checking in at minor sporting events that not even administration cares about, spamming social media with our brand or paying us money at the beginning of the year.”