Cason Beatty’s Recent Performance Linked to String of Lamb Sacrifices


Early this morning, Wake Forest Police Department officials reported a dead lamb found on the football team’s practice field. Though they have yet to release any named suspects, a source at Wake Forest has said Florida State punter Cason Beatty was seen attempting to coax a lamb out of a local farm last night with a bottle of black-market sheep breast milk and a can of creamed corn. Hotel concierge Kenny Smith saw Beatty enter the lobby early this morning. “It was right after sunrise. He walked in just covered in blood. His Slayer shirt with the sleeves cut off was soaked, and his man-bun was coated in crimson and what appeared to be wool.”

Smith’s account was corroborated by Seminoles defensive back Jalen Ramsey. “The first time it happened was right before the BC game. We thought it was some sort of early Halloween prank, but then we all got suspicious when Cason averaged 52 yards per punt. And then Aguayo missed a chip-shot field goal? That was some Freaky Friday shit right there.”

“I can’t really say I know what you’re talking about,” said Beatty as he unpacked a goat skull, a rabbit’s foot, and Roberto Aguayo’s lucky retainer from his luggage. “That being said, if I were to hypothetically need to up the power of my good luck charms, I would hypothetically turn to the spirit of Jameis ‘If we gon’ do it, we gon’ do it big’ Winston. And there’s nothing bigger than sacrificing farm animals to Satan himself so that some college kids like me a little bit more… hypothetically.”

FSU fans were seemingly unfazed by the allegations against Beatty. “He’s just doing what he needs to do to win. I’d do some pretty fucked up shit just to see my lazy ass son with that kinda determination,” said FSU dad Norm Roberts between beer burps. “Like I always say, better a thousand lambs sacrificed than one shanked punt when we’re deep in our own red zone.”