Jimbo Fisher to Team: “I’m Not Mad, I’m Just Disappointed”

Shortly after news emerged of a second incident involving a Florida State football player allegedly punching an intoxicated college-aged girl in the face, Coach Jimbo Fisher brought the team into the locker room early Tuesday morning to talk about the recent events. As he brought the whole team down on one knee, Fisher closed his eyes, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and sighed, “You know, at this point guys I’m not even mad, I’m just disappointed.” After a couple minutes of resigned speaking, Fisher passed around papers so that the team members could write down “one thing they learned about respect” or “literally anything that hints at an ability to empathize with others.” As the players struggled to write down anything not having to do with “buying girls shots at Mandatory Makeout Monday,” and "swiping right on almost everybody," Fisher could be heard muttering with his head in his hands, “I’m so tired. Don’t hit girls. How old are these goddamn kids? Jesus Christ, this makes me miss having Jameis on the team. I swear if these kids don’t get their shit together, I’m sending them to bed early without any scholarships.”

Fisher also mentioned during his speech that, effective immediately, all players are not allowed to go to any bars or clubs around campus. However, this doesn’t seem to really worry any of the players. “This won’t actually be a problem. Keep it on the DL, but an old teammate of ours is working to set up this speakeasy behind the Strip for players only,” said redshirt junior and somehow-not-a-transfer-yet Sean Maguire. “I can’t tell you who, but his granddad was this pretty big golfer… oh, and I can tell you one thing, no way Golson’s getting an invite. He can’t take that away from me, too!”