FSU quarterback De’Andre Johnson was dismissed from the team immediately following the release of surveillance footage showing the violent altercation that took place on June 24th, 2015. After making the dismissal, Coach Jimbo Fisher and other administrative leaders cleared the rest of their schedules to make room for a three-day high-five session to celebrate their newfound ability to responsibly handle crime. “Honestly, this feeling is all new to me,” Fisher commented while pulling a confetti cannon over a ballroom of administrators. “It’s like one day you learn that Title IX exists and the next you’re leading an entire university to justice. I feel so fucking good.”
Fisher, from this moment forward, has asked to be called “Captain Justice” and credits his and much of FSU administration’s recent change of heart regarding football players being held accountable for their actions to the popular tabloid column Stars! They’re Just Like Us!
“You know, it’s like those magazines say: they shop for groceries like we do, they pick up their dogs’ poop like we do, and now they’ll start respecting the hammer of justice like we do!” Fisher exclaimed while discussing what changes this will bring to Florida State football. “We now have a strict zero-tolerance policy for our football players who have brought less than 6 wins to the team.”