When news broke this morning that the Heisman trophy winning and almost undefeated quarterback Jameis Winston will leave Florida State for the NFL draft, many Seminole fans were devastated. Not among these devastated fans, however, was head coach Jimbo Fisher, who was spotted by many dancing around his office Risky Business-style. “This is a greater feeling than winning the National Championship,” said Fisher as his assistant coaches cried tears of joy into his arms. “I seriously haven’t unclenched my butthole since he signed his letter of intent three years ago.” In just the few hours since Winston announced his decision, Fisher has already noticed his hair start to grow back and the wrinkles on his face disappear. Despite losing one of the most talented quarterbacks in college football history, Jimbo Fisher is nothing but smiles. “Now that I won’t have to keep dealing with all of his stupid decisions, I’ll have so much more free time. I can finally do the things I’ve never had time to do, like play the piano and learn what my kids’ first names are.”
Meanwhile, Winston himself is devastated to leave the campus that grew to love him. “I’m sad not for myself, but for all the students at Florida State that have to somehow keep going to school without me here. I don’t know how they are going to do it.” Winston is sure to be a top draft pick in the spring, but promises to never forget the good people he met in Tallahassee, especially at his favorite hot spot, Potbelly’s.
Winston’s decision may come as a surprise to some, but it was all part of Jimbo Fisher’s plan. “I’ve been trying to convince him to go to the NFL since the end of last year. I even bought him a New York Jets sweater for Christmas,” said Fisher. “In fact, during the fourth quarter of the Rose Bowl I told him ‘If you don’t calm the fuck down, you’re going to the Bucs’. A lot of people thought I said ‘bench’, but they were wrong.”
In the coming months, Coach Fisher will begin his search for a new quarterback. But for now, he plans to keep dancing in his office and celebrate the fact that he will never have to hear another crab legs joke again.