As the final seconds ticked away in Pasadena following yesterday’s loss, Seminole students and fans everywhere were forced to begin the traumatic process of trying to cope with a new identity. For over two years, FSU students could brag to everyone they knew that they went to the school that never lost, but yesterday’s 59-20 defeat to Oregon has swept the school into a campus wide existential crisis that could take months to recover from. “When I tweeted ‘new year new me’ two days ago, I didn’t think the new me would be a loser,” said FSU senior Kyle Minks as he tearfully got rid of his Unconquered facebook cover photo. “Maybe ESPN was right all along.” With the embarrassing end to football season, students like freshman Nicole Ressman are scrambling to find something else about the school to brag about. “Yeah, our football team might not be as good as we thought, but we have a Chili’s AND a Denny’s on campus, so that’s pretty cool, right?”
Even university president John Thrasher is finding it difficult to go forward. “I already planned to cancel school for the National Championship game. What are we supposed to do now, actually have class? What a waste of time.” Thrasher and other campus officials have decided to try to begin the healing process by holding a candlelight vigil on campus to remember the team’s 29 game winning streak. The ceremony will include plenty of inspirational speeches and a mournful version of the war chant, also known as the Tear Chop. Counselors will also be on hand for any students still struggling with the loss.
Despite the misery of defeat, FSU fans can at least be glad for their friends at University of Florida, who finally have a reason to be happy. “I’ve been an Oregon fan for so long, almost two weeks,” said UF student Marcus Cowart. “It’s just so great to be able to make fun of Florida State fans on social media to try to hide how sad I am that 2006 was almost a decade ago.”