FSU announced late Friday evening that star quarterback and all-around good guy Jameis Winston will be suspended for the entire game against conference rival Clemson. The pressure to replace Winston lies squarely on the shoulders of unproven sophomore Sean Maguire, who is tasked with not only playing quarterback but also delivering a locker room speech that can fire up the team as much as Jameis’ famous “Do it big” line. Unfortunately, the pressure seems to have already gotten to Maguire as he enters tonight game without even one solid catchphrase. Maguire has been preparing all week by watching game film of Winston’s post championship game and Heisman trophy speeches. “I just don’t know how Jameis did it. I mean yeah sure he’s an idiot and probably the most morally corrupt person I know, but he had like ten catchphrases and I can’t even think of one,” said Sean Maguire as he furiously scribbled speech notes into his composition notebook.
The backup quarterback didn’t even sleep last night as he spent eight hours rehearsing his potential catchphrases in the bathroom mirror. “I was thinking of going with ‘We are going to win everybody’ but then I asked myself how Jameis would do it so I changed it to ‘We ain’t losin’ y’all no way’ but it still just didn’t sound right.” Maguire is also looking for a nickname, something that is as catchy as Famous Jameis. “Nothing really rhymes with Maguire, so I decided to think outside of the box. That’s why Saturday night will be the debut of Sean ‘MacDaddy’ Maguire.”
No matter what comes out of MacDaddy’s mouth tonight, the important thing to remember is that by suspending Jameis Winston, Florida State University has proven that football is not the school’s top priority, at least until tomorrow.