In a shocking turn of events this week at FSU, a football player has been held responsible for his actions. Tuesday afternoon Jameis Winston was seen around various spots on campus yelling, “fuck her right in the pussy!” Though many were amused, Jimbo Fisher and FSU athletics have decided to use the opportunity to suspend Jameis for the first half of this weekend’s game against Clemson, as a way to ensure that fans will actually stay for the whole thing. “I’m sick and tired of preparing all week for a three-hour spectacle that students drunkenly stumble out of by halftime,” said Jimbo Fisher. “At the last game, we couldn’t even get people to stick around for the Marching Chiefs, which really does a number on those nerds' self esteem." Coach Fisher hopes that by preventing Jameis from playing in the first half, fans will be forced to stay for the entire game, considering he’s the only player most students have heard of/ will be able to tweet about.
Many are concerned about how this will affect the final score of the big game, but FSU Athletic Director Stan Wilcox says he’s not worried. “Jameis basically didn’t play during the first half of the National Championship game, and look how that turned out. I wish I didn’t have to suspend him but the FSU football team has a proud history of moral superiority that we have to uphold. Maybe if he’d done something we could more easily sweep under the rug – like shoplifting or allegedly sexually assaulting another student we could look past it and keep him in the game, but unfortunately the circumstantial evidence surrounding yesterday’s event is too great to ignore.”
FSU students have bravely taken to the app Yik Yak to anonymously stand up for Jameis, as well as to voice their distaste for the people who tweeted about this incident, ultimately resulting in Jameis’ suspension. “I feel bad for him” Said one Yakker as he sniffed his national championship shirt to see if it would be cool to wear another day without washing it. “Like he’s just a normal college guy, but everybody keeps judging him. Quite frankly, I’d like to fuck all the haters right in the pussy.” He’s not alone in his anger. “Freedom of speech motherfucker!” Said another Yakker who has so far attended only one lecture of his Intro to American Government class.
Jameis has done a lot of stupid stuff since signing with FSU, but evidently this is the only temporarily punishable thing. So here’s to Jimbo Fisher for finally speaking out against and ending misogynistic behavior at Florida State University. At least until somebody inevitably starts a “fuck Clemson right in the pussy” chant at the game this Saturday.