Florida State University has been abuzz for weeks about tonight’s event on campus with acclaimed scientist Bill Nye. This is the most excited students have been for a non-football event since the last I’m Shmacked video. The only person not looking forward to this evening is the Science Guy himself. “Every goddamn day I have to speak in front of a bunch of college students who don’t give a shit about anything I’m saying and just want to hear catchphrases from a show I did 15 years ago,” said Mr. Nye as he slowly took off his bow tie and replaced it with a gold chain. “That’s why tonight I’m going to do something totally different and unveil Bill Nye the Straight Outta Compton Guy.” Bill’s seemingly sudden decision to switch to rap has actually been a long time coming. “I’ve been prepping these lyrics for months. I got so tired of listening to Creationists in our debates that I would just put on headphones whenever they started talking. Then one day I accidentally put on the wrong Pandora station and I’ve been working on my own beats ever since.” Bill Nye has spent the past few months idolizing his new hero Kanye West, going so far as to name his debut album Nyeezus. He even plans to shoot a music video with Neil DeGrasse Tyson for the album’s hit track (Covalent) Bound 2. “The album is a lot of pain about my ex-wife and also the destruction of the Earth from global warming. We need to find an eco-friendly alternative to fossil fuels and I need to find my Kim Kardashian. Has anyone at this school ever made a sex tape besides Jameis Winston?”
The announcement of Bill Nye’s new act has garnered even more excitement for the already hyped event. “I was originally only going to stay long enough to take a few pics and then head out once he started talking about science stuff,” said film school student Jamie Matilda, “but now that he’s spitting fire I may actually stay for the whole thing.”
FSU administration says they are very much looking forward to the event in Westcott this evening and even more so to finally having students in that building who aren’t protesting the new president. Little do they know, Bill Nye plans to end his show by screaming “John Thrasher does not care about black people” and dropping the mic.