FSU School of Theatre’s Hairspray Review: Needs More Zac Efron
Between the gallons of prop hairspray, plus-sized hijinks and the sultry tones of Mark Ziegler as “The Voice of the News Broadcaster,” FSU’s School of Theatre was able to transport viewers back to 1962, a time when being black or fat was taken as a sign of inferiority, unlike how it totally still isn’t today. However, amidst the dizzying dance numbers and enough high notes to leave the words "Good morning, Baltimore" in your head for all of your life’s perpetuity, it was clear something was missing. It seemed that Zac Efron had failed to reprise his iconic role as a musical beacon for sexual awakenings among young viewers in theatres nationwide by playing the role of Link Larkin, Baltimore’s own golden boy.
“When I realized my mom wouldn’t be around this time to stop me from hunting down and hopefully seducing every male member of the cast, I bought tickets to every single show in hopes of wooing my beau,” commented Casey Flannigan, who was literally nine years old when the movie came out. “The cameo I bought of Nikki Blonsky, the plus-sized icon of 2007’s Hairspray, the movie, wishing me “Happy Birthday” just isn’t enough to hold me over anymore. So imagine my disappointment when I discovered they just had some talented, attractive student from the School of Theatre as the male lead instead of the Link to mend my own broken heart. Without Zac, who’s going to [redacted] my [redacted] in the back of a [unbelievably redacted],” exclaimed Flannigan, suddenly making eye contact with a man who had no idea what he was about to get into.
“This is an important play about loving yourself and others, yet here I am, every performance, barricading the stage doors to keep out hundreds of horndogs trying to live out their tween fantasies. He isn’t even in the show, you perverts,” yelled Jessie Krater, a member of both the Ensemble and future group counseling sessions. “Earlier in the year, I heard that people are excited that Zac Efron might be coming to campus as Ted Bundy - you know, the murderer. Am I about to lose my girlfriend to the guy playing an infamous serial killer that’s hot enough that she can get over him being a Republican? I’d be lying if I said Seventeen Again didn’t have me feeling some type of way, but I'll act like a normal person and dedicate a Tumblr account to him that you’ll forget about once you finish the 9th grade.”
Without Efron in the starring role of Link Larkin, hopes of hooking up with the man who adorned many a third-grade backpack along with Gabriella and the rest of the High School Musical gang were dashed for many of FSU’s hopeful theatergoers. Patrons will have to resign themselves to learning about tolerance and the power of dance through a spectacular musical performance somehow put on by the same people you saw snorting Adderall at the first, and last, theatre party you attended. That being said, it’s yet to be verified if the actor who played the movie-version of Seaweed has returned to the stage, and let’s be honest, he was the cuter one anyway.