SGA Elections: How to Pick the Names That Sound Coolest as You Vote Blindly This Wednesday

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Time to rev up those voter cards and then put them away again because nobody is actually paying attention to this student-ran election. Yet, despite the apathy everyone feels but no one admits to about SGA popularity contests, it might be better to vote with some strategy when a foaming campaigner inevitably breathes those kinky commands into your ear. There's nothing that Americans do better than voting blindly, so here are a few tips and tricks to keep that enthusiasm and sultry sense of delusion up as you head into voting!

  1. Whoever’s name was in “thank u, next”
    Does their name show up in the legendary banger and ode to singledom that is “thank u, next?” If it does, then our vote is hell yes! We'll vote for anyone who came even remotely close to dating Ariana Grande, so if their name is Sean, Ricky, Pete, or Malcolm then show ‘em some love and smash that vote button. Also, don't forget to stream "thank u, next" on literally any platform. Please.

  2. Whoever sounds like they shop at GreenWise
    Does their name sound like they post up at GreenWise ready to purchase a $6 bottle of kombucha? Then that can only mean two things: they are fancy as hell, and The Barefoot Contessa is their godmother. Maybe this candidate can bring FSU some sustainable yet flavorful vegan recipes with all that coin they apparently have.

  3. Anyone that doesn’t sound like an anti-vaxxer

    All we really need is someone who shows us proof that their parents were smart enough to vaccinate them. After surviving the Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Plague of 2016, the FSU community learned its lesson. We don’t need a candidate that will turn the campus into Medieval Europe, regardless of how much they can shred on the lute. If they seem like they won’t get the black death, polio or the measles, then we stan!

  4. Do they sound like the type of person who wrote a think piece about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?

    If this person seems like they'd fill your Facebook feed with complaints that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s dance moves are disgraceful, then we say no deal. If they find dancing or sustainability offensive, then Tallanasty is not the place for them. Check our new fleet of electric buses, babes! And remember that FSU proudly invented streaking, so no candidate can shame someone for dancing with their clothes on.

  5. Their name looks like something that would show up in a standardized test word problem.

    Does their name sound like it came from the FCAT? Then our vote is an F-No! Just like the FCAT, voting is online to cut costs, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it. No, we still don’t care how many pineapples Nadine sold at the farmer’s market, and honestly, it’s a bit offensive that you would ever bring it up. If a candidate’s name transports you back to your third-grade class, still struggling to grasp phonetics, this isn’t the candidate for you. When in doubt, the answer is C.

  6. Does the name sound like one of the bullies that started your sixth grade that we don’t have to talk about?

    Does one name smell curiously like cyberbullying and AXE Dark Temptation body spray? This might be because a candidate was formerly one of the kid pioneers on Instagram to introduce you to the exciting world of hate comments. Is it time to taste revenge by bubbling the name next to your former cyber slayer’s bubble? Perhaps. Just be careful that the revenge ends with the bubbling and doesn’t carry over into you passively commenting about the candidate’s “full-bodied” eyebrows on their IG.

  7. Which name can you see being stretched into a longer spelling of itself on finsta?

    Can you just see the candidate resting their meaty fingers on each of the vowels in their name when typing their finsta @ into your phone? As a society, we just need to agree that spelling the name “Kayleeeeeeeeeeeeeigh” with thirteen extra e’s isn’t going to warrant a giggle out of anyone.

The Eggplant FSU