SGA Passes Resolution Condemning Headdresses, Broken Clock Shows Correct Time


In a move almost as surprising as it is late, FSU’s Student Senate has actually done something and passed a resolution on 4/20 (ayy lmao) that aims to ban headdresses from all FSU-sanctioned events, including football games. Although Resolution 15 merely states the opinion of the Senate in a formal capacity, it’s still a pretty decent first step towards actually doing something, right? “I tell ya, bro, we’ve come a long way in two months,” said Student Senator Mitch Johnson as he coughed out the sweet scent of purple kush and hastily put away his Frank Underwood fanfic. ”In February, so many of us didn’t even fucking show up for the free food provided by the university that they canceled Senate that day. Isn’t that so frat? So to go from doing literally nothing to passing a toothless resolution is a pretty big step, if you ask me. Or even if you didn’t ask me, really.”

“Holy shit, we can’t wear headdresses? I am thoroughly outraged and have a lot of emotions and arguments I want to share on this Facebook thread! This South Park meme should nicely sum up my nuanced views on this issue,” said FSU student and Eminem fan Scott Patterson, who last season called a group of students nearly eight different homophobic slurs for wearing the colorful yet historically inaccurate headdresses to a football game. “I would never wear one of those things, but you’re saying if I did, I could offend marginalized groups, defy the Student Senate that was democratically elected to represent student body opinion and hide my barren, ugly scalp that’s analogous to my barren, ugly heart? Count me in!”

Despite blowback from the faction of FSU that objects to cultural sensitivity by creating a straw man argument against the constitutionality of such a resolution that is not actually a formal policy measure, Johnson and the other senators who voted in favor are still riding high, brahski. “Shit dude, I think I’m coming down,” said Johnson, who was probably referring to his high, but could have also been referring to the pedestal he circle-jerked himself up to. “This is kinda cool, standing up for the appropriation of marginalized groups, especially those that the school attempts to depict through its exploitation of an indigenous group through a blatantly racist ‘symbol.’ Soon we can move onto even bigger issues like officially declaring that skin fries from Chick-fil-A are a sad, inexcusable bastardization of a side item.”