A normal Saturday for Tallahassee nightlife participants soon turned into an unforgettable experience. The uproar heard at Potbelly’s reflected more than just patrons’ need for a loud and grimy relaxation outlet in their busy lives spent planning their next offensive theme party. Instead, the noise erupted when a girl wearing a tiara was spotted at Pot’s sucking down a jager bomb through her vagina and was confirmed to be the Queen of England, probably. “We’ve had many celebrities walk through these mysteriously sticky doors,” confirmed Potbelly’s owner Pat Meninger while mentally running through a list of FSU football players who have disrespected women in that very bar. “But never have we seen actual royalty come through.” Meninger prides himself on his incredible bouncer who NEVER takes bribes in exchange for over bands, except in the case of actual royalty, of course, your majesty, m’lady.
While The Queen was in the bathroom taking Snapchats of herself peeing, Pot’s-goers tried to get pictures with her royal highness, only to be met with The Yeomen of the Guard in the form of an 18-year-old, five-foot tall girl named Amber, who held the broken stall door open with grace and poise and definitely did not break face to text her Tinder matches. Disappointed fans slunk away from the bathroom, sadly confusing an actual world leader with someone who would spend the later half of their night vomiting into various bushes on their walk back to Denny’s.
“Honestly, I wasn’t expecting any of this,” said the Queen herself, knighting the Pot’s bartender with her lipstick-stained straw. “I’m just a humble girl from Genovia - I mean, Gilchrist - who wanted to celebrate my birthday across the pond, on College Avenue.”