Eat My Ass: An Op-ed to Morning People


Listen up, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed sacks of horse shit, This morning I had to wake up at 9:30 AM and I can confidently say that never in my life have I wanted to cause mass destruction until that very moment. Then it dawned on me (Get it, ‘dawn’? Because morning! Screw you), there are people who not only do this every day, but enjoy it. This brings me to my main argument: morning people can eat my entire ass.

I’d like to start by listing exactly who this letter is meant for. It’s meant for the people who wake up without an alarm at 7:00 AM and think, “You know what? I’ll just stay up.” It’s for the girl who sat in on my 8:00 AM lecture so she could just come to class right after the gym instead of waiting until the 10:10 AM she was registered for. It’s for my little brother who wakes me up at 5:30 every Christmas morning even though the fucking presents aren’t going anywhere. Finally, it’s for my Intro to World Religion professor, but not in an angry “eat my ass” way, but more of a flirty “eat my ass” way.

It’s disgusting that we are expected to function before the clock switches to PM. To anyone who disagrees, my ass is waiting, bring a spoon. Mornings are capitalist nonsense and I refuse to be complicit. When I was younger, my father tried to wake me up early by throwing a wet, ice cold washcloth on my face, but I fought the power and stayed safe under my covers until 1:00 PM because I’m a strong-willed person who doesn’t roll over every time Big Brother says it’s time to head to the factory.

I just don’t understand why anyone would want to live this way. The bags under my eyes are begging you all to reconsider why we accept this “up and at ‘em” way of life. If we the people decided that we wanted our day to start around noon, we could make it happen. As a collective, we can do more than any bourgeois higher-ups could dream. The power is in our hands! Not the establishment’s! Bernie Sanders 2016! We can make a difference!

In Solidarity (Unless you’re advocating for earlier mornings because in that case, fuck you),

Someone still wiping drool off their face