Late Monday night, four students were stabbed after staying in a Strozier study room three minutes past when their reservation ended. The altercation began as a simple passive aggressive knock and smile when the clock struck ten but escalated quickly into a knife fight outside of 107F. “Yeah, I heard them knock. I heard it loud and clear, four minutes before our reservation was up. That’s just bullshit especially since I could pretty much tell they were English majors and I, as an exercise science major, deserve and require far more time in these study rooms,” said sophomore Savannah Felder, posting a Facebook status letting her friends and family know how blessed she is to be so accomplished, even though she really meant how blessed she is to benefit from white privilege. “I know stabbing all four of them may seem harsh, but I feel like I’m getting stabbed every time I go to Chem lab or do a lab report. I work so hard. It’s amazing I even had the energy to stab them.”
“In retrospect, we really should have been the ones to stab her because, besides the fact that she reserved the room for two hours for just herself, she also never the closed the door which shouldn’t have been a problem since she was alone but she loudly congratulated herself for everything she did,” said victim Lane Vo, who has decided to just use the comfy ass little pods on the third floor instead of study rooms from now on. “I dropped an empty backpack off on the third floor yesterday and I do not plan on moving it until finals week is over. I’m bringing with me all the essentials: a phone charger, a toothbrush and a life size cutout of Guy Fieri giving me a thumbs up.”
The other victims of the stabbing were overheard saying, “Ow,” “Yikes, didn’t see that coming!” and even “I once made out with my couch and never told anyone until right now - I mean, ouch!” While Felder was immediately identified as the stabber, the university took no action punish the dangerous student and instead let her continue at FSU and return to Strozier study rooms. The victims were at first surprised, but then thought about FSU’s history with handling crime, such as currently allowing an officer responsible for stalling Jameis Winston’s case to lecture FSU athletes about rape, and realized that it kinda makes sense.