Dearest friends, followers, hate-readers, super intelligent dogs and my parents probably, My name is Aubrey Burrough and I regret to inform you that today, April 1st 2016, is my last official day as editor-in-chief of the Eggplant….APRIL FOOLS. Haha psych! April Fools again, it totally is my last day. I am graduating in less than a month and have to focus all my remaining energy this semester on being the LinkedIn slut of my dreams, so please mourn me. But more importantly, open this link in a new tab and turn it the fuck up to set the mood as you continue reading.
Two years and three months ago, I metaphorically birthed the Eggplant along with my then comedy partner Houston Barber. I like to consider it the Benjamin Button of satire, in that it started as a baby, then got like super big and will probably just get smaller and smaller in the next 70 years as the English language slowly but surely deteriorates emoji by emoji.*
Since it’s immaculate conception, Eggplant has grown at an alarming rate, so much that it now has a bigger online following than any college satirical publication in the country, so SUCK IT, THE HARVARD LAMPOON. When we first started the Eggplant, Houston and I Googled “how to buy domain name” and thought it was so cool to have 100 Facebook followers. Now, I feel like we’ve failed if we get less than 100 likes on a story, which is an insane growth in both engagement as well as narcissism in me. I’d ask you to pinch me but today is April Fools, not St. Paddy’s and also do not touch me. Thank you.
When I’m high enough, I like to imagine an alternate timeline of Florida State as told through the Eggplant. In the Eggplant universe, crazy shit happens with no limitations. It’s a universe where students can park anywhere on campus for one day. It’s a place where the university’s president does everything from throwing a “White Thrash Wednesday” inauguration party to getting his porn stash exposed. It’s a place where anything can happen, and I’ve gotten more pleasure making crazy stuff up for The Eggplant than from literally anything else I’ve ever done.
The Eggplant world may be satirical, but that doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been an air of truth and greater purpose in the things we’ve written. I’ve prided this publication our unique ability to call everybody at this university on their shit, whether they like it or not. The first time I met president John Thrasher he had never heard of The Eggplant and said “Oh, I’ll check it out! I love that kinda stuff!” The second time I met Thrasher I mentioned Eggplant again and he just said “I know who you are,” and turned to mingle with the next student, who I assume he hated less.
At this moment, this letter is experiencing a tonal shift so please click this link and continue reading while accompanied by the second saddest Sarah McLachlan song.
On the reals, the Eggplant is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Through this publication I’ve met some of the funniest, most incredible people and grown alongside them not only as satire writers, but as humans. It’s hard for me to imagine my life without Eggplant, and although I’m not going to be a part of it after I graduate, I won’t be without it, nor will Florida State. Eggplant will continue next year under the leadership of my children, my sister wives, and my successors - Carolyn Bernucca and Rona Akbari. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of Kellum hall, it will be bigger and better than ever.
A classic AIM away message circa 2006 once said “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” (I think Dr. Seuss said it first actually, but 12-year-old girls definitely have collectively said it more). This thing, this magnetic, immaculate publication thing that has become the voice of Florida State actually happened, and I still can’t believe it did. I’m so thankful and humbled to have been such a big part of it. And if you’re reading this, you’ve been apart of it too. I love you all and please, don’t (you) forget about me.
Co-founder of The Eggplant and the unsung Gossip Girl of Florida State University.
*I have not actually seen the film Benjamin Button as it is hard for me to watch Brad Pitt in a role in which I do not wish to fuck him, but I assume that is the gist of it.