Where Do We Go From Here? How To Move Forward After Calling Your Professor ‘Daddy’


After a string of recent incidents across campus, students have put together an entry-level colloquium for students who at any point during their college career have called their professor ‘daddy’ and are desperate to learn where the relationship goes from here. “For me, it all started in my religion class,” explained sophomore Carol Bortal while kneeling upon a bed of nails, clenching a rosary and begging for forgiveness. “He was talking about our upcoming research project and I started spacing so when he asked if we all understood what was being asked of us everyone nodded and I replied ‘Yes, Daddy.’”

“When I was in elementary school, I accidentally called my math teacher ‘Daddy’ and it’s just stuck with me ever since,” mentioned a weirdly upbeat Exploratory major, Ryan Mlakar. He then began to slap himself in the face while looking in a mirror, letting out a long sob and then a maniacal laugh. “Old habits die hard.”

Along with the bed of nails kneel, the structure of the colloquium class works to combine punishments seen during The Inquisition with the final being completion of your very own exorcism. Extra credit is offered for the students who go above and beyond, heaping burning coals on their body.

“We work tirelessly to expunge these students of their sins,” ensured colloquium leader and local boring vanilla person, Isabel Vasquez. “The word ‘daddy’ has no place in our sex talk. It’s all just too much for me, why would we even want this? There is nothing that I love more than the thought of being 45 years old and having to schedule 15-minute missionary once a week with my crusty ass husband, then heading straight to our parish hall to confess our sins. The only ‘daddy’ I need is my powerful lord. Amen.”