“What, This Old Thing?”: Frat Guy Awaits Compliments After Throwing on One Suit He Owns

Between thinking it's cool to degrade women, partaking in borderline homoerotic behavior with ‘straight’ friends (#nohomo) and screaming into an echo-chamber of narcissism, frat guys have a busy schedule. Finding the time to look good and impress their potential lady friends (and let's just keep it at friends, ok? Not trying to move too fast here!) can be almost impossible for our fellow fraternity brethren. Luckily, they’ve found a solution: throw on some slacks and a blazer. “I have no original personality traits or sense of style, so discovering this trick was huge for me,” said FSU Phi Delt Todd White, searching ‘how to tie a tie’ on YouTube. “I base everything I say and do on advice from washed up 30-somethings on Total Frat Move, but they mostly just wear their old fraternity tanks stained with tears that they swear is ‘sweat from getting yoked.’ Moving towards a more professional look was a nice change of pace.”

Local ladies seem to be enjoying the new, ‘grown-up’ look the boys are going after as well. “I love it,” said sophomore Courtney Mitchell, pulling up Perfect 365 on her phone in preparation for her next #ManCrushMonday Instagram post. “I like to surround myself with guys that have their lives together. To me, nothing is more attractive than a man who acts professionally and politely. That's why I only hang out with men who pay for connections that they can put on their resume and dress straight off the Men’s Wearhouse mannequins.”

“Before our store, these young men dressed like 6-year-olds on Easter Sunday,” said actual Men’s Wearhouse sales consultant Erica Herring, inhaling deeply into a stack of hundred dollar bills. “Most of them giggle when take their inseam measurement and refer to our ascotts as ‘pussy ass scarves,’ but sales are at an all-time high. Momma’s getting a new hoverboard!”

“I was a little nervous to debut my suit at first,” said White. “But once I saw that I looked like a carbon copy of every other frat brother at the bar, I felt comfortable again. We were like handsome, well-dressed Minions; our Gru is the white capitalist patriarchy that feeds our egos.”