Student Devastated To Find Roommate Was Home All Along


Sophomore Samantha Young has vowed never to speak, sing or be curious as to what her butthole looks like ever again in the hopes of never recreating what happened last weekend. Like most Sundays, Young assumed she had the apartment to herself for a bit and could bring her homework into the common room, maybe play some soft music without headphones and eventually evolve to full volume screech-singing with no one but God to judge her. That is until her roommate came out of her room. “When Marissa walked into the common room, where I had just spent 6 hours acting out a fantasy conversation with my celebrity crush that was almost as loud as my fantasy argument where I pwned my ex three Sundays ago, I nearly fainted,” groaned Young. “I just have no idea how Marissa spent that whole time in her room without giving me any signal that Zac Efron and I didn’t have the place to ourselves like we thought.”

Marissa, however, claims that her hiding was an act of martyrdom. “I had to pee so badly the whole time, but once the sound effects started, I knew I was in too deep.” Marissa knew she had to commit to being as invisible as Young’s ex three Sundays ago in that one awful conversation where she pretended to win a rap battle against him. “I admit, I probably could have revealed myself earlier to make the whole thing a lot less painful, but I honestly thought the conversation was real at one point because of the emotion behind the words.”

“Yeah it sucks but at least we didn’t catch her trying to learn the choreography from Beyonce's 'Formation' music video,” added Tara, their third roommate who was also home listening to the whole thing from her bedroom, as well as the Stein couple and their family on a tour of the apartment complex and all of Channel 12’s camera crew that was scheduled to be in their room that Sunday to air a story on a mold incident.